The Perfect Diet

It is very important that you eat a diet based in whole grains and plant food. “Eat Food, Not Too Much, Mostly Plants”. Michael Pollan said that.

Lots of Fruits and Vegetables. Also, you need calcium, so drink Milk.

Well, it is also very important not to eat too many grains, because a diet high in carbohydrates can cause insulin resistance and diabetes and like, ugliness. So yea, don’t eat a lot of carbs, you can maybe have some sugar-free jello. Actually, don’t. Cancer.

Don’t eat a lot of eggs. Saturated. Fat. Don’t eat a lot of saturated fat. Or, maybe just don’t eat trans-fat.

Fish is a good idea. Good fats.

No salt. Salt causes some kind of popped veins and water retention.

And actually, wait, apparently everyone is also gluten-sensitive, so just don’t eat grains at all.

But also don’t drink milk or eat dairy either because it is mucus-forming and like, are you a nursing baby? NO. You are not, so don’t be gross and drink pus. Just eat Kale. Kale smoothies are so delicious.

So, start thinking about eliminating cooked food from your diet. Do you want to be Dead and Cooked?! NO. Stupid American! You want to be glowy and beautiful and enlightened like a raw vegan. There are toxins in everything imaginable. So eat lots of organic fruits, vegetables, coconut oil, and expensive dehydrated-at-less-that-118-degrees-treats made out of nuts.

So, wait, yes eat fat…

Actually, cut out those dehydrated treats, you are getting fat and poor.

Do lots of juice cleanses. Get those toxins out. Don’t be alarmed if your health gets worse and worse. This is just because the toxins are on their way out. Your health has been bad for months? Toxins! Be Patient! Be STRONG!

Consider staring at the sun. Sungazing is a way to soak in energy from the earth without eating toxins. (This is a real thing)

Actually, ugh wait, scratch all of that. We are supposed to be Hunter Gatherers. Duh, History + Science. Eat meat. Wild meat, if possible. Meat and avocados and vegetables and fruit and coconut oil by the spoonful. Potatoes… ugh I don’t know. Do you want to be fat and have diabetes? This is your choice.

And while we are at it, like, fruit actually has a lot of fructose which is terrible for your ….liver. Yes, your liver. So just eat vegetables and meat, mostly. We were right about the carbs thing the first time.

Cut out all those nuts and nut-based baked goods that you now eat to feed your sad, malnourished soul. Polyunsaturated fats are terrible for you in high quantities! Do you realize how hard it would be to just eat a handful of nuts in the wild, willy-nilly? It would take you like a whole day to collect those nuts from the tree and crack them open. Saturated fat is way more natural.

Ok, eat salt, though! You definitely need salt.

Ah, well if you have digestive issues by this point, maybe don’t eat a lot of vegetables, because they are really hard to digest. And you definitely don’t have enough good bacteria in your diet, so take a probiotic and eat some fermented cabbage. Did I tell you not to eat a lot of vegetables? I know this is confusing, but you are really close to being really, really healthy.

Stop eating so much FISH, you have mercury poisoning now.

Eat Eggs.

Eat lots of soup, soup is good for you.

Not out of a CAN!!!? My god. Cans have BPA-plastics in them. They cause all sorts of fertility issues and boobs on men. DON’T.

Have you been using the microwave all this time? Oh GOD. The Nazis invented the microwave! It changes the molecules and causes cancer. CANCER. Oh Godddd don’t use the microwave.

Don’t bring soup in a thermos made out of plastic! Plastic leaches hormone disruptors. And don’t bring it in a thermos made out of metal because then I am going to have to take you to a chelator to get all of the heavy metals out of your cells. Do you want your children to have autism?

Drink cold, homemade soup. You can warm it up in a very expensive pot on the stove.

Are you now tired and cold all the time now? Well, you probably screwed up your metabolism. Add some carbs back in. ADD ‘EM BACK IN!

Your body thought it was starving… whoops.

Oh God, my GODDD, just eat whatever the hell you want. You are crazy now. Why did you ever listen to me!

Just put down your cell phone. Do you want to get cancer of the hand and ear?!