The Perfect Diet

It is very important that you eat a diet based in whole grains and plant food. “Eat Food, Not Too Much, Mostly Plants”. Michael Pollan said that.

Lots of Fruits and Vegetables. Also, you need calcium, so drink Milk.

Well, it is also very important not to eat too many grains, because a diet high in carbohydrates can cause insulin resistance and diabetes and like, ugliness. So yea, don’t eat a lot of carbs, you can maybe have some sugar-free jello. Actually, don’t. Cancer.

Don’t eat a lot of eggs. Saturated. Fat. Don’t eat a lot of saturated fat. Or, maybe just don’t eat trans-fat.

Fish is a good idea. Good fats.

No salt. Salt causes some kind of popped veins and water retention.

And actually, wait, apparently everyone is also gluten-sensitive, so just don’t eat grains at all.

But also don’t drink milk or eat dairy either because it is mucus-forming and like, are you a nursing baby? NO. You are not, so don’t be gross and drink pus. Just eat Kale. Kale smoothies are so delicious.

So, start thinking about eliminating cooked food from your diet. Do you want to be Dead and Cooked?! NO. Stupid American! You want to be glowy and beautiful and enlightened like a raw vegan. There are toxins in everything imaginable. So eat lots of organic fruits, vegetables, coconut oil, and expensive dehydrated-at-less-that-118-degrees-treats made out of nuts.

So, wait, yes eat fat…

Actually, cut out those dehydrated treats, you are getting fat and poor.

Do lots of juice cleanses. Get those toxins out. Don’t be alarmed if your health gets worse and worse. This is just because the toxins are on their way out. Your health has been bad for months? Toxins! Be Patient! Be STRONG!

Consider staring at the sun. Sungazing is a way to soak in energy from the earth without eating toxins. (This is a real thing)

Actually, ugh wait, scratch all of that. We are supposed to be Hunter Gatherers. Duh, History + Science. Eat meat. Wild meat, if possible. Meat and avocados and vegetables and fruit and coconut oil by the spoonful. Potatoes… ugh I don’t know. Do you want to be fat and have diabetes? This is your choice.

And while we are at it, like, fruit actually has a lot of fructose which is terrible for your ….liver. Yes, your liver. So just eat vegetables and meat, mostly. We were right about the carbs thing the first time.

Cut out all those nuts and nut-based baked goods that you now eat to feed your sad, malnourished soul. Polyunsaturated fats are terrible for you in high quantities! Do you realize how hard it would be to just eat a handful of nuts in the wild, willy-nilly? It would take you like a whole day to collect those nuts from the tree and crack them open. Saturated fat is way more natural.

Ok, eat salt, though! You definitely need salt.

Ah, well if you have digestive issues by this point, maybe don’t eat a lot of vegetables, because they are really hard to digest. And you definitely don’t have enough good bacteria in your diet, so take a probiotic and eat some fermented cabbage. Did I tell you not to eat a lot of vegetables? I know this is confusing, but you are really close to being really, really healthy.

Stop eating so much FISH, you have mercury poisoning now.

Eat Eggs.

Eat lots of soup, soup is good for you.

Not out of a CAN!!!? My god. Cans have BPA-plastics in them. They cause all sorts of fertility issues and boobs on men. DON’T.

Have you been using the microwave all this time? Oh GOD. The Nazis invented the microwave! It changes the molecules and causes cancer. CANCER. Oh Godddd don’t use the microwave.

Don’t bring soup in a thermos made out of plastic! Plastic leaches hormone disruptors. And don’t bring it in a thermos made out of metal because then I am going to have to take you to a chelator to get all of the heavy metals out of your cells. Do you want your children to have autism?

Drink cold, homemade soup. You can warm it up in a very expensive pot on the stove.

Are you now tired and cold all the time now? Well, you probably screwed up your metabolism. Add some carbs back in. ADD ‘EM BACK IN!

Your body thought it was starving… whoops.

Oh God, my GODDD, just eat whatever the hell you want. You are crazy now. Why did you ever listen to me!

Just put down your cell phone. Do you want to get cancer of the hand and ear?!

15 comments

  1. I just found your blog.

    Thank you.

    Thank you for your sanity.
    Thank you for your insanity.
    Thank you for saying “no”.
    Thank you for saying “fuck it”
    Thank you for saying “yes”.
    Thank you for saying it out loud where I can read it anytime I want.
    Thank you for saying it out loud so I can direct other people here.
    Thank you for being brave enough to be honest.
    Thank you for being vulnerable enough to be honest.
    Thank you for all of it.
    Thank you.

  2. I love this post. I’ve looked through your blog and you have some great stuff here, thank you for sharing. One additional comment, and before I say it I also want to say that I do understand that this is YOUR blog, and you can write whatever you choose.

    I would have shared this post and added this as a favorite had your blog not had the f-word in the title. I have 4 young kids also, and don’t want them to see this in my favorites. I’m not against swearing, and think the context is great for your approach. Just thought you would want to know that the title gave me pause.

    1. Sam, thank you for your comment. I very much understand your position/concern, and wouldn’t want my hypothetical children, or any other children seeing the title either. I don’t even want my mother finding it! That is another reason why you never find my full name on here or my picture anymore!

      However, it actually can help me get reads and connect with people too. Under my google search terms, many people find me by googling “Fuck Dieting”. I am sure it goes both ways though.

      Anyway, thanks for the comment!

  3. I am still in the process of learning to say “FUCK THE PERFECT DIET.” But this blog is really helping me. Way too many years of calorie counting, low fat, low carb, no carb, “whole foods” bias, and even the whole “local/humane/sustainable” bias (which is too fucking expensive for me). I’m ready to just fucking eat fucking food, for fuck’s sake.

  4. I love this post! So funny but so sadly true…I eat intuitively since august 2011 and never felt so good! Thanks for your blog!

  5. Ha wow, you just summed up my last 5 years of total mind-fucking thanks to everyone in the world thinking they know what’s best for my body and making me feel like I’ll never have a good enough body anyway. I’ve been so wrapped up in pretty much everything you said at one time or another, but now I realize that there are no “experts” who can tell me what I “should” eat. Fuck that. I’m tired of all the madness and confusion and the bingeing it leads to. Time to tune into the only being on the planet that knows what my body needs: MY OWN BODY.

  6. Reblogged this on What Kaity Did Next and commented:
    For anyone who’s ever been caught up on the yo-yo dieting next-best-diet-out-there ferris wheel, I recommend you read this – not only for a laugh, but for some perspective.
    (**contains the f*** bomb – I don’t care, but you might**)

  7. This the best thing I have read in a long time!!!! Hilarious!!!! I will probably read this 50 times…it is that good.

  8. This! So dead on about the thoughts in my head about food. It’s insane!

    I LOOOVE your blog. It’s awesome!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s