Category Archives: Orthorexia

The “Healthy Version” of Intuitive Eating

There is none.

THERE IS NO “HEALTHY VERSION OF INTUITIVE EATING”. Don’t do it. It will backfire.

Wanna know why? Because what you are really saying is: I am going to try and, like, trust my body. But I, like, can’t ever really trust my body. Obviously, so I’m gonna like fake trust it and, like, listen to it but only let it eat, like…. healthy foods.

No!

Your body will know what you are doing. And the part of your mind that you think you are tricking will know what you are doing too!

You cannot do the healthy version of intuitive eating, because intuitive eating is the healthy version of eating.

And it is healthy, even if you are eating lots of brownies.

It is healthy because it is free and curious and pleasure based.

It is healthy because it takes your eating controls away from your mind, and gives them to your body.

It is healthy because even if you are craving foods that you decided before were “not healthy” (or that anyone would tell you are “not healthy”), letting go of fear of food is immensely important for mental health.

Mental health is immensely important for physical health.

Learning to trust your body is the healthiest thing you could do.

But not even that, the idea is to neutralize all foods. Cravings have less power when they are allowed. Irrational cravings do not exist when they are allowed. They become neutral.

Your body knows what it needs. Your body needs calories. And your body needs to know it can eat.

Intuitive Eating is not about eating the smallest amount possible. Or being “so in tune with your body” that you only need to eat celery and goat keifer and sunlight.

No, intuitive eating allows you to EAT. For God’s sake EAT. Eat the things that nourish you and please you. The things that make your mouth water and that you only let yourself eat in your dreams.

That is the food your body is asking for.

And anyway, you’re never gonna really crave Kale til your body and mind both believe that it can also eat cake for dinner whenever it wants.

Fuck. IT.

Source: weheartit.com via C on Pinterest

The Miserable Ramblings of a Teenager with Serious Disordered Eating

I just found a food journal in my room at my parent’s house filled with incredibly neurotic diet ramblings. This journal spanned my junior and senior year in high school during my desperate, manic, unsuccessful attempts at rigidly controlling what I ate.

I find it fascinating to look back at how I treated myself before I became aware of how hurtful it was to my mind and body. At the time, I really thought I was doing myself a service.

Most of the things I learned came from diet books written by doctors and the internet forums associated with those diets, with a strong dose of obsession on top.

A nice “warning”

600 calories (in one day), that is

this wasn’t about food, but its funny, we had a “stink bug” infestation. I called them banana bugs

tragic.

All of these pictures are taken from a book spanning a whole year and a half. I had LOTS of pages- and on one half of the pages was a meticulous calculation of every single thing I ate- then it was all added up and the total was put in a box at the bottom. Then I would write notes to myself on the rest of the page- and whatever my current rule list was- I would write all those thingies down too. Very dysfunctional and messed up. But…. I couldn’t help but laugh a little as I read the whole thing out loud to myself last night.

I find it odd that I wrote to myself in the 2nd person. “YOU are not allowed…” Like I am the benevolent dictator. Apparently I had no belief in myself at this point: “(That won’t be for a while)”

Now there seem to be two different voices above.

Now I am the voice of an angry “God-type”. Goin’ to Hell.

I am disgraced with…. “you”?

(NOT too much food, btw)

Notice: “Fact: I have new teeth.” I had in fact just gotten new temporary caps put on my teeth that day.

Sometimes, besides eating perfectly, I had “tasks”. In very tiny letters near the top you can see: “Nice Thing: Agreed with Dr. Lee” . He was my dentist. I took out my frustrations on him, I guess. And I agreed with him that day. And that counted as my “nice thing”. Also notice… just a string of listed chocolate. Also the categories: Hair, ff, scrtch (stretch?) and crack?

Wrote: throwupy. Thankfully not actual throwuppy. No Bulimia- but … clearly brain-addled. “Reminders before birthday dinner: no cake, no caffeine, no cheese. Salad and Sparkling Water.” —- Nice. Happpppy Birtdhday!

Gave myself an F for the day. Did ‘no nice things’. And…. 161 crunches? Specific much???

Sad but sort of entertaining. I was very dramatic.

In Defense of Gluten

I am not saying that if you are celiac, or have a legitimate reaction to gluten, that you should start eating it right now.

But for the rest of you who decided to villainize gluten just because the idea is in vogue, and part of the paleo dogma, and maybe just because you may have been confusing the fact that people have Celiac, with the idea that you too must avoid gluten. After all, you don’t avoid peanuts just because people have peanut allergies, and you don’t avoid eggs just because many people have egg allergies. Right?

I am also not trying to tell you that gluten is a health food- that I don’t know- but what I do know- is that this past year I was so afraid of it- but as far as I know I have Zero problems with it.

Why Does Gluten Have a Bad Rap?

Besides the fact that some people (Celiacs) have a strong auto-immune reaction to gluten, gluten can apparently be hard to digest for lots of people. It is the protein portion of wheat, barley, and rye, and it can be hard for our intestines to break down. If we have impaired gut function (which is an imbalance in our gut bacteria), some people have trouble with it and the body reacts badly to it, bringing a host of other problems.

However, apparently a sensitivity can be healed as Cheeseslave said she did by correcting her gut flora. Consuming probiotics in the form of fermented food would be a good place to start to help gut imbalances.

But I have also read people saying that every single health problem can be linked back to a gluten sensitivity… and …. I mean…. it is not easy for me to completely disprove… but come on now. It is probably not true. Whatever health problems I have had have truly never been as miserable and life-altering as my orthorexia.

If you have been avoiding gluten and sense that it might all be for fear-based reasons, my suggestion is to start with sprouted grain breads that you can buy in the freezer section of the health food store- that and true sourdough. Unless you are into making your own- in which case- more power to you!

But after my week of “SAD” food, I am convinced that I can handle it- no problem. I don’t always want it. But I am not afraid of it wrecking my health and life.

Don’t avoid gluten for no reason. Eat Bread and Fuck It!

In Defense of Calories Part II: Calories Aren’t Bad For You

The other night I was having dinner with some old friends I hadn’t seen in a while, and my one friend was eating a lot of butter on his bread. My other friend was making fun of him, and I said:

“Well! Butter is good for you!”.

She looked at me and said incredulously: “No its not! Are you serious?“, like I had just started praising Hitler.

“Yes I am actually”.

Now- these days, especially since getting over my diet dogma for the millionth time, I don’t like to preach, and I feared it going in that direction. I wasn’t going to go into a diatribe then and there about why she shouldn’t worry about eating calories or gaining weight. (This was a fellow actress, and knew it wouldn’t be a short convo, also it wasn’t the time or place). I was getting flustered because everyone is so opinionated on these subjects, and I wanted to say what I believed without rubbing anyone too much the wrong way.

So I went the simpler, but still conventionally controversial Butter Is Healthy route.

She said: “It is not good for you!”

I said: “I actually think its one of the healthiest fats….”

She said: “Why?”

My brain was failing me. Why do I think its healthy again?? I can’t talk about saturated fat…. that’ll take all night to explain. Plus I forget the facts.

I said: “Ummm because its one of the most natural fats, besides …..avocados, whats easier and more natural fat to obtain and eat than dairy fat?”

She said: “Ok… but it will still make you gain weight”.

I said: “Oh sure, anything can. But that doesn’t mean its necessarily unhealthy”.

Surprisingly she listened and sort of agreed. Even though she is “on her way to becoming vegan”, which again, I didn’t comment on. Nobody likes a smug ex-dieter. She already knows I was vegan and it “didn’t work for me”. What more can I say until she wants to hear it?

Then we talked about if we were to eat animal products, we would want them to be as humanely, naturally and sustainably produced. All things I ardently agree with. EXCEPT, my specific problems are so much more on the obsession side that I often choose to “not care” in order to liberate my mind.

Calories Are Not Unhealthy

My friend’s assumption was that because butter has calories, and therefore makes you gain weight (debatable in and of itself): it is therefore unhealthy.

That is a false assumption!

Butter is not unhealthy because it has calories. Butter is nutritious and one of the most nourishing and anti-inflammatory fats you can eat.

I didn’t mean to get into villainizing other fats in this post, that is never my core intention. But this conversation with my friend just highlighted again the way people think about food and calories.

Calories are so frightening to people, that even nutritious foods get labeled “unhealthy” for being concentrated calories. I can still be that way with sugar, but I have come a LONNNNGGGG way. LONG WAY.

so FUCK IT!

 

What Paleo Taught Me

I turned to Paleo thinking I was being intuitively led to my health and hormonal balance. I was already pretty steady intuitive-eating-wise, but Paleo sent me back into another obsessed frenzy, nearly a year ago.

Looking back now, I get frustrated and sad that I hadn’t learned my lesson from all my other diet fails in order to avoid Paleo diet mania.

But, I am going to also look at what Paleo did give me.

The one obvious positive, is that the Paleo diet taught me about the benefit and importance of saturated fats. And then, through failure, the importance of carbs and not dieting.

That one last push into insanity made me choose peace. One last diet/binge-induced weight gain made me finally accept the weight- and and start to take away my fears by making me face them head-on.

It led me straight into the crisis that had become my identity. And this one was so bad, and so low, that it led me to the book “The Artist’s Way” (which I recommend), which led me to writing every morning as a sort of meditation, which led me to my own underlying truths. And led me to start this site, and write, and connect with people. And to dare to consider acting without the worry and heaviness of perfectionism. Which, has forced me to trust life and live more fully. And to challenge myself.

Yep, I can’t help but think that is why my intuition led me to Paleo. Maybe I also needed some more probiotics (thank you GAPS….), or maybe I needed some more saturated fat. But mostly, I think I needed to fail so badly, (for hopefully the last time), that I chose a completely different way to live and eat. It was the beginning of a new and even scarier journey.

I trust what it taught me. And I am thankful for it.

Fuck It.

In Defense of Dairy

I’ve heard it all- all the reasons dairy is apparently horrible for you:

Not only is it labelled “pus” (thank you, Skinny Bitch book), but it is filled with hormones, spikes insulin, casein is addictive, everyone is lactose intolerant, its a neolithic food, we are adults and don’t need milk, and even the most mainstream and fat-phobic reason: it is loaded with saturated FAT!

Lots of groups like to give their reasons why milk and dairy are health wreckers, but I am here to argue in Milk’s defense.

Note: If you can’t already tell, science is not my main information currency. If you want people who actually research science and try to explain it to you, I recommend also reading more of Matt Stone and Danny Roddy. But I deal in experience and feelings. I let other people’s research inform my feelings and decisions, but my main goal is to bust food phobias. Science helps me do that, but I am not interested in explaining the intricacies, however I will try to link to the evidence that may enlighten your scientific minds better than I can.

Lactose Intolerance

Many people are lactose intolerant, or “lactose intolerant”. I was diagnosed as lactose intolerant at 2 years old and grew up drinking rice milk and soy cheese. (blerggg) But I would sneak real cheese at school. In fact, my schtick in the cafeteria was that I would go to the salad bar and just fill up a whole bowl of shredded cheese and eat it with my hands. My friends found it highly strange and amusing. I found it highly delicious and amusing.

I found I could tolerate cheese, no problem, and also that it was my favorite food (still is). But milk, which I rarely tried, and never really liked anyway, gave me bloating. Many extreme diets I went on argued heavily against dairy, and because of my “lactose intolerance”, I believed their word even more. I would go through phases of no-dairy, only to add my beloved cheese back in.

Its Not the Milk’s Fault

I read recently that lactose intolerance is not the milk’s fault, it is our fault. They argue that the difficulty digesting it is due to impaired gut function and low thyroid function. And that in many cases, slowly adding it back in can help our bodies adjust to digesting it.

Not only did Ray Peat and Danny Roddy convince me to give milk another go, but also the Weston A. Price Foundation’s support of (Raw) Dairy consumption. Not only that, but the restrictive GAPS diet I tried (and failed) even supports dairy consumption.

While WAPF and other Real Food enthusiasts insist that milk should be raw, Ray Peat seems to think that even pasteurized milk can be beneficial.

So I began drinking some. First a glass of pasteurized milk -which did leave me bloated. But, I was at my parents home in PA at the time, where Raw Milk is easier to obtain, the next day I had some raw milk and felt fine! I kept on drinking raw milk for a few days. When I ran out, I decided to have another glass of pasteurized milk. And I felt fine. I felt fine! I cured a life long case of lactose intolerance.

Then I started in on the ice cream.

While I would say that raw milk is probably best (and without a doubt tastier than pasteurized milk), I think it is amazing that it alone cured my inability to drink pasteurized milk. I am now back living in NY, where raw milk is far more difficult to obtain, so I drink pasteurized grass-fed milk from time to time. And eat ice cream a lot.

So… Is Milk a Beneficial and/or Essential Part of the Diet?

I don’t know. I don’t know and I don’t even think I care.

I am in the business of busting food myths and food phobias now, so why stop before figuring out a way to drink milk?

I wanted to show myself that I could. And give myself the option to drink milk and eat ice cream if that should be what I crave. I already tolerated cream in my coffee and allthecheese. I wanted the freedom and the option to go even further. Plus I had a feeling that it could be beneficial.

I will say that I have found I don’t really crave pasteurized milk, though I like it in my granola and coffee sometimes. However, I did start to crave the raw milk in PA, and I would like to find a way to get some easily here in NYC. (There are ways, I know, but I tend to be lazy when it comes to jumping through hoops, and I have no doorman for the local farms that deliver).

So I am trying to tell you, dear reader, that if you are scared of milk: no need. And if you are lactose intolerant or even allergic to milk, it is not the milk that is to be blamed. It may just be your body’s state, and if it is worth it to you to acclimate to drinking milk, you probably can.

How are we supposed to eat what we crave when we are afraid of food that might, in fact, be good for us?!

Milk’s Benefits in Simple Terms

Milk is loaded with protein, vitamin D, vitamin A, vitamin K2, and B2 and B12 vitamins. As well as grassfed milk having conjugated linoleic acid (CLA)- an amazing-for-you-fat. These are all vitamins that are not quite abundant in other foods, and definitely not abundant in plant foods.

Milk is easy to consume- and the nutrients are easy to absorb.

I think the best thing about milk and cheese and ice cream though, is that it is one of the highest foods in saturated fat, which is a good thing. It supports healthy cell, hormone and brain function, as well as being anti-inflammatory.

***

Here are some snippets from Ray Peat’s article on Milk

“Besides being an ecologically favorable source of calcium, protein, sugar, and fat, the composition of milk causes it to be digested efficiently, supporting the growth of bacteria that are relatively safe for the intestine and liver, and reducing the absorption of endotoxin.”

Comparing insulin/blood sugar/cortisol of animal meat consumption to milk consumption:

“Some amino acids directly stimulate insulin secretion, decreasing blood sugar and leading to the secretion of cortisol in reaction to the depression of blood glucose. The presence of lactose in milk, and of fat, to slow absorption of the amino acids, helps to minimize the secretion of cortisol. The main protein of milk, casein, seems to have some direct antistress effects.”

“Combining milk and cheese with fruits adds to the antistress effect. The additional sugar and potassium and other minerals allow the milk protein to be used more efficiently, by moderating the secretion of cortisol.”

Other beneficial properties:

“Calcium, and vitamins D and K, can sometimes produce quick antistress effects, alleviating insomnia, hypertension, edema, inflammations and allergies”

“The regular use of milk and cheese can prevent many chronic stress-related diseases.”

***

Talk to me and comment below! How does milk make you feel? What are your thoughts on milk and dairy?

Remember, my goal is to take away unnecessary food phobias to allow our cravings to be King. Don’t listen to those ladies who wrote Skinny Bitch. Just because they have a book doesn’t make them right. And just because I have a blog doesn’t make me right.

Listen to Yourself.

and Fuck It!

In Defense of Fat

I like to look at all the dumb diets I’ve gone on and see if I have at least learned anything from the miserable process.

  • Vegetarianism turned me into a fish lover (CRAVED PROTEIN), when before I hated fish.
  • Raw veganism… umm… made me to hate bananas for YEARS after. But on the plus side taught me what “cacao” was. (its chocolate. just a douche-y way of saying chocolate.)
  • The “Rosedale diet” (In high school… which, now that I think about it is a small sect of Paleo: the leptin-obsessed variety) taught me how to lash out and binge on nut butter. A skill I have taken with me up until quite recently…

And more seriously, as dumb as going Paleo was, because I had already sworn off dieting (ugh. so upsetting). I learned a lot about fat. I already knew about industrial seed oils, and was pro-butter myself, but I don’t think I fully realized how healthy saturated fats really are- until Paleo.

And as they say, Fat Doesn’t Make You Fat. BUT, my addendum is: If you binge on it… it will. Obviously!!! Which is what I did. Because restrictive diets make me crazy.

But let’s begin, shall we?

Non-Animal Fats

Mainstream, conventional diet wisdom will currently vouch for non-saturated fats. (Nuts, seeds, avocados, olives) Finally, as they did not do this in the 80s and 90s when fat-free was King of the diet kingdom.

Canola oil (rapeseed), corn oil and soybean oil are seen as healthy by people who think the-less-saturated-fat-the-better (and also thanks to their industries’ lobbying). But it turns out now, that these oils are highly processed, rancid, and inflammatory and also have too-high levels of Omega-6. Our bodies do not thrive eating these oils in large quantities. I mean, how does one get the oil out of corn exactly? And yet, Whole Foods still uses Canola oil in a lot of their products and prepared foods.

I do not intend to be a fear-monger. The point I am making is to have healthy skepticism, eat real food liberally and shun questionable claims made by big industries who are pushing their products in the name of health. Because, apparently butter and lard would have sufficed all along.

That being said: Enjoy nuts and seeds and avocados and olives. Use olive oil. And when you go to restaurants, where I assure you they use soybean oil & friends in their cooking: Do not think of it. Your body will be fine if you enjoy your food. The end.

(May as well not cook with them though because they are stupid and fake and taste like crying children.)

Saturated Non-Animal Fats

Saturated fats are now said to be the most nourishing and anti-inflammatory. Coconut Oil would be one of them. Apparently increasing fat burning, supporting the thyroid, and even being anti-viral and anti-fungal, and being very stable with a high smoke point (good to cook with). Palm oil is another good substitute for trans-fats in packaged baked goods and such. Also, I am happy to tell you that chocolate is another healthy, saturated fat.

Animal Fats

This is where its at, YO! And even though I think the Paleo dogma is stupid and ruined my happiness for a good 7 + months, I truly still believe their teachings on Fat.

This includes fat on the animal (lard, tallow, goose) and from the animal: dairy (butter, ghee, cream, milk) and… eggs. Saturated fat is supposed to be the most supportive of our brain and the making of our sex hormones.

Dr. Andrew Weil just recently changed his stance on saturated fats. Heart Surgeon Man‘s stance. Mercola‘s stance. Mark’s Daily Apple. Four Hour Work Week  And here we have the NYtimes writing on the subject, just so all my sources aren’t too alternative for you.

And… seafood. Fish are high in omega-3. Which is apparently good! Haven’t you heard? (Ray Peat would argue that, but I don’t care for any unnecessary fears of unnecessary things.)

My Fear of Cheap Oils

Unfortunately, the truth is, my fear of processed Omega-6 oils (canola, soybean, corn, etc) is still where I am a bit stuck. I fear it. And they piss me off. It is a manipulated and fake food, and nearly unavoidable unless you eat every bite at home.

And, you know why it was created? People were foolishly afraid of real fat. Like butter and lard.

I have made great strides recently by eating in restaurants. I think of cheap oils I inevitably take in as a form of medicine for my neuroses. Like a supplement to prove to myself that I can handle less-than-ideal foods. Try it!

Conclusion

Fat is not a problem. Unfortunately, fake food is a problem. But Fat, inherently, is good for you. And it is not “fattening”.

(If this post seems less passionate than my post In Defense of Sugar, it is only because I have known and believed that fat was good for a long time. The sugar thing is newer and even more radical.)

But, if you suffer from the (slightly legitimate) fear of processed omega-6 PUFAs… remind yourself, that regular doses will supplement your mind and prove that it can not hurt you.

Your worry and stress over any food are way more harmful than the food itself.

And remember to say:

Source: piccsy.com via Caroline on Pinterest

In Defense of Sugar {Part 1}

As I have mentioned to in a few other posts, I was debilitatingly afraid of what sugar would to do my health for years. It was the main reason I never fully trusted myself to eat intuitively. The taste of sugar sent me into a panic. I thought every small taste of sugar was ruining my body, insulin, hormones and weight. I truly convinced myself I did not like sugar.

Absurd.

This ‘sugar is evil’ theory however, is fully supported by mainstream media and doctors, not to mention the smaller sects of diet extremism (think: some sects of Paleo, some sects of Raw Veganism, some sects of GAPs, …. am I making this sound like Religious Fundamentalism? Good.). There was a lot of buzz about Robert Lustig’s lecture on the evils of sugar. “Experts” are even wary of fructose: the sugar in fruit.

Absurd.

But in fact, I think very few people ever argue in defense of sugar. No one seems to ever have anything neutral to say about it. It is always portrayed as an additive villain. I guess they don’t assume that anyone will become as scared of it as I did. Or, actually, maybe they hope people will. I don’t know.

Why So Much Hate?

Apparently, people are developing insulin resistance and type II diabetes at alarming rates. And, because insulin’s function is to carry blood sugar into the cells, sugar is getting blamed.

In fact, when I was diagnosed with PCOS at 15 after a hormonal blood panel, the doctors said: PCOS is caused by insulin resistance. Watch your carbs. Keep your weight down.

Ummmm. Ok?

So I went on the Atkins diet. At 15. I wasn’t even overweight.

Point is: we are villainizing sugar all over the place. Not just in extremist diet beliefs like Paleo, and fad diet books like Atkins, but in the doctors office too.

Here is what WebMD has to say about how insulin resistance is diagnosed:

There is no simple test to diagnose insulin resistance syndrome. Rather, your doctor may suspect the syndrome if you have three of the following:

  • A waist size of 40 inches or more in men and 35 inches or more in women
  • Increased levels of triglycerides (a type of fat in the blood)
  • Low HDL, or “good,” cholesterol level (Less than 40 mg/dL for men and 50 mg/dL for women)
  • High blood pressure of 130/85 or higher, or being treated for high blood pressure
  • Fasting blood glucose levels of 100 mg/dL or above, or being treated for diabetes

The current epidemic of obesity in children also puts them at risk for the development of insulin resistance syndrome.

It all seems quite arbitrary to me. But suffice it to say, I had a serious serious fear of sugar. It could not be trusted. And neither could my eating. Let’s not even get into the fact that this started me on a yo-yo diet and starve/binge eating disorder that consumed the majority of my life for the next 9 years. But that can be another topic for another day.

All I knew was: I had insulin resistance. This was bad. I also shouldn’t eat sugar or carbs because this is bad for insulin resistance.

The Good News

The good news is…. they are wrong. They are wrong they are wrong! Sugar is not the cause of these problems at all. Instead it is an innocent and accidental accomplice in a much more complicated process.

It was so hard for me to finally unravel my nearly irrational fear (but hey, it was supported by “experts”!). Here are a few things that started my sugar-is-fine-wake-up-call:

1. Robb Wolf’s Podcast. Yes I used to listen to Robb Wolf’s podcast. Robb Wolf is a Paleo Guru, who advocates for a very low carb plan of eating. And I will never forget something he said about living off of fat for energy instead of carbs (I paraphrase): “When you become a fat burner, it increases your insulin resistance. It actually puts you in a more insulin resistant state, but thats ok, because you are not eating enough carbs for that to be a problem”. 

I remember thinking…. WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! That is not what I want at ALL. I am trying to make my body work BETTER! Not become more insulin resistant! How is this even logical!?

2. Matt Stone at 180 Degree Health. He wrote a new post on eating carbs improving your glucose clearance- and here is an old one on why insulin resistance is not a sign of overconsumption, but of starvation. He has lots of theories and science on the matter that you can read. But basically, low carb slows your body down. And introducing carbs again, will in time speed your body back up again. Which makes it work better. Basically we are adding fuel to the fire by taking carbs out of the diet.

3. Ray Peat, and another blogger to decipher him: Danny Roddy. Ray peat has done extensive research on the thyroid, and though sort of a sect of Paleo (he doesn’t really advocate for grains), his writings have helped me to bust my fear of sugar. Danny Roddy writes here about how sugar actually has anti-stress functions, and how running on fat promotes stress.(Of course, if I took to heart everything they wrote I would have a debilitating fear of Polyunsaturated fat. But I choose not to, because food fear is the worst, and even though I don’t think that industrial seed oils are a nourishing part of one’s diet… don’t fear food.)

I intend to write more on the subject of sugar, but maybe not till after I bust up some other shit fears.

Just remember what Mary Poppins said. In fact, I would say at times it is the medicine.

Read Part 2: Cravings Don’t Need to Be Fought

Letting Go of Health Perfectionism

Stick with me on this one…

A few weeks ago I came to a life shattering decision: I need to let go of my fierce desire to be Healthy. And I need to be ok with the idea, and possibility, of never reaching my dream of ultimate health perfection.

It may seem like a completely harmful thing to decide, after all, it is not that horrible to want to be healthy. But when I realized that so much of my own life drama and misery has been caused by my attachment to and fear of bad health, this seemingly reckless decision started looking like the most liberating way to go forward.

Past Intuitive Eating Attempts

Before now, I have only ever half-heartedly let myself eat intuitively. It was so ingrained in me that my body specifically wasn’t able to handle things like other people- that thinking I could ever be like someone else seemed like a fantasy. Add to that all the things I had ‘learned’ about food from diet-fear mongers, my beliefs about my health were so limiting- that there was only so good it could ever get (not very good).

I was resistant to trusting my body to thrive on normal eating because I thought it was an irresponsible thing to do. It was so afraid that if I made a wrong move or ate a wrong food I would never be healthy. And so much of my identity for the past 10 years (since I was a teenager) has been through the lens of 1) being unhealthy 2) being desperate to find the cure.

How unhealthy, you say?

Well, my health problems are sort of abstract, so in a way that makes a “cure” even harder. They deal with hormonal balance which is an intricate and complicated process in the body. And I wanted to do it holistically. I really believed my body could heal! But I wanted it so badly. Too Badly.

Yet, symptom-wise it has been mostly just bad skin, amenorrhea, and recently some bad sleep. And then always…. weight fluctuations…. probably mostly because of my mind.

And it all just became clear to me: since my “health problems” are really only… cosmetic and not all that life hindering…. and I have wasted sooooo much time and happiness trying to fix them…..what if I just let go? It is not like I got the diagnosis and never cared at all. I cared! I cared too much. So maybe the next evolution in my self-care is just to… not care anymore.

Transition Time

During the past 4 months, I have been coming off paleo, gaining weight, dealing with deep-seated body issues, but all the while learning the reasons that sugarandfriends really weren’t going to ruin my life. While I was trying to let go of my deep-seated need to be thin, that was when I realized there was something even more debilitating that I needed to let go of: health.

And ironically, during this whole period where I was deciding not to care about health, I was going to a natural doctor for the first time in 5 years. Turns out I was resistant to doctors too, since they had proved so unhelpful before. He prescribed me natural progesterone because my levels were so low. And in the past I would have not done it, because it is “not letting my body heal on it’s own”. Fuck it. I’m doing it. I have tried a million and one things to naturally balance myself, and nada one thing has worked.

(Oh, one more thing during this whole past 4 months, I decided to take a break from Theatre. Yes, I am was an actress. Compounded stressors, much? Yep. But, really, I don’t want that stress anymore, especially not right now. There are some life stressors you cannot avoid. And there are some life stressors… you can.

Detaching From the Outcome

So, what if, I stopped  being a frightened orthorexic food-nazi and fed my body amply, what if I was to be thankful for 2012 and this access to natural progesterone, and yet still Not Be Attached To The Outcome. Because if it doesn’t work: Eh.

If I always wear a size 6 pants: eh.

If I always have oily skin: eh.

If I need to take fertility drugs to have kids: eh.

If the polyunsaturated fats from my bi-weekly nachos at a restaurant “inflame my body’s tissues”: eh.

If I sleep poorly because of hormonal imbalance for the rest of my life (ok, I don’t particularly like this one….) but: eh.

Fuck It.

Seriously.

Anybody have any similar experiences? Insight? Tales to tell? Am I alone in this drama drama? Talk to me!