I just found a food journal in my room at my parent’s house filled with reallllly neurotic diet ramblings. This journal spanned my junior and senior year in high school during my desperate successful and unsuccessful attempts at rigidly controlling what I ate.
I find it fascinating to look back at how I treated myself before I became aware of how hurtful it was to my mind and body. At the time, I really thought I was really being responsible by beating myself up.
Most of the things I was doing I learned from diet books written by doctors and the internet forums associated with those diets, with a strong dollop of obsession on top.
All of these pictures are taken from a book spanning a whole year and a half. I had LOTS of pages- and on one half of the pages was a meticulous calculation of every single thing I ate- then it was all added up and the total was put in a box at the bottom. Then I would write notes to myself on the rest of the page- and whatever my current rule list was- I would write all those thingies down too. Very dysfunctional and messed up.
But…. I couldn’t help but laugh a little as I read the whole thing out loud to myself last night. WHAT THE HELL?
I wrote to myself in the 2nd person. “YOU are not allowed…” Like I am the benevolent dictator.
I am “disgraced”
(1200 was my goal.)
(Notice: “Fact: I have new teeth.” I had in fact just gotten new temporary caps put on my teeth that day.)
Sometimes, besides eating perfectly, I had “tasks”. In very tiny letters near the top you can see: “Nice Thing: Agreed with Dr. Lee” . He was my dentist. I took out my frustrations on him, I guess.
Wrote: throwupy. Thankfully not actual throwuppy. No Bulimia- but … clearly brain-addled. “Reminders before birthday dinner: no cake, no caffeine, no cheese. Salad and Sparkling Water.” —- Nice. Happpppy Birthday!
Gave myself an F for the day. Did ‘no nice things’. And…. 161 crunches? Specific much???
Sad but sort of entertaining.
I was very dramatic.
And I was very miserable.