I can eat whatever I want and not gain any weight.
Throughout this whole past year and a half, I knew that eating whatever you want in whatever quantities was the normal state of the body. I KNEW intuitively that the body could regulate itself once obsession and controlling food was not the goal. I knew that it would regulate appetite and weight once eating was normalized and metabolism was repaired. I KNEW it. But I wasn’t fully there yet. I was on my own journey to heal my body image and to heal my fear of overeating and to heal my fear of food and fat and weight etc etc etc.
My body was still in a previously stressed state. So I would lose weight, gain weight, lose weight gain weight- all with the purpose of continuing to eat whatever I wanted, and continuing to accept myself wherever my weight fell.
But these last 3 months I have been genuinely eating whatever I want, in large quantities. I have been very hungry, and I have been eating a lot. And I have gained no weight. This is exactly what I knew was possible… and here I am.
This is why I believe it has finally worked:
1. I am genuinely eating however much I want. Genuinely. All the time. Every night. Every day. I let myself eat and eat until I am full. And I do not think about food again until I am hungry. Sometimes 5 hours, sometimes 1 hour. I stopped even worrying about controlling it.
2. I do not do any formal exercise. I walk a lot. I ride my bike to work. I do a few pushups randomly. That is it. Sometimes I stretch. I am active but I do not worry about exercise at all.
3. I truly let myself gain weight throughout this process. I bought bigger clothes. I bought bigger bras. I bought bigger underwear. I dressed myself cute when I was 15 lbs heavier than I had previously wished I was. I reminded myself of all the reasons that I was important anyway. All the reasons I should and could still do what I was meant to do anyway. I let myself feel beautiful and allowed myself to follow my dreams at whatever weight.
4. I started actually following my dreams. I started acting again. I started doing improv. I wrote and produced and performed a comedic cabaret with a good friend of mine. I auditioned for a show in another city, got it, quit my day job, started rehearsing etc etc etc. Basically I let myself do all the things that I thought I had to be skinny to do. I let myself try them. I reminded myself daily that weight had nothing to do with any of it- that that belief was a control issue that had no bearing on actual creativity and success and happiness and life enjoyment.
Once I was putting my energy into actual productive, exciting things, food continued to become a normal part of my life. Enjoyable, nourishing, delicious, healthy or decadent. Normal. I lost weight when I was excited and stressed over a cabaret- maybe I was eating less maybe I wasn’t, I don’t even know. All I know is that NOW, I am eating more than EVER and not gaining a pound.
5. Focus on the Life You Want. I remind myself every single day, or any time an old disordered thought or worry comes into my mind, that there is no point focusing on weight when there are a million more exciting things to focus on. Focus on constructive, life affirming, purpose filled thoughts and activities. Your weight will follow. You will not get the life you want by focusing on your weight. But you may get the weight your body wants by focusing on your life.
Moral of this post- I still stand by everything I ever said about life and food and weight and exercise and metabolism and self love. There is no way around it. To live the life you want, focus on your real passions. Do things you have always wanted to do. Fuck the fearful thoughts that arise.
Now I know that if I do gain a little weight or lose a little weight, who cares. My life is exciting and fulfilling and rich. I have gotten away from the minutia of food worry, and am now about to marvel at how much I can put down without any issue. I can know that if I gain any weight- who cares. I can focus on the things I want to do, instead of the food I want to control.
And I swear to you, if I can do it, you can do it. Keep going.