This is Badass Eating

I can eat whatever I want and not gain any weight.

Throughout this whole past year and a half, I knew that eating whatever you want in whatever quantities was the normal state of the body. I KNEW intuitively that the body could regulate itself once obsession and controlling food was not the goal. I knew that it would regulate appetite and weight once eating was normalized and metabolism was repaired. I KNEW it. But I wasn’t fully there yet. I was on my own journey to heal my body image and to heal my fear of overeating and to heal my fear of food and fat and weight etc etc etc.

My body was still in a previously stressed state. So I would lose weight, gain weight, lose weight gain weight- all with the purpose of continuing to eat whatever I wanted, and continuing to accept myself wherever my weight fell.

But these last 3 months I have been genuinely eating whatever I want, in large quantities. I have been very hungry, and I have been eating a lot. And I have gained no weight. This is exactly what I knew was possible… and here I am.

This is why I believe it has finally worked:

1. I am genuinely eating however much I want. Genuinely. All the time. Every night. Every day. I let myself eat and eat until I am full. And I do not think about food again until I am hungry. Sometimes 5 hours, sometimes 1 hour. I stopped even worrying about controlling it.

2. I do not do any formal exercise. I walk a lot. I ride my bike to work. I do a few pushups randomly. That is it. Sometimes I stretch. I am active but I do not worry about exercise at all.

3. I truly let myself gain weight throughout this process. I bought bigger clothes. I bought bigger bras. I bought bigger underwear. I dressed myself cute when I was 15 lbs heavier than I had previously wished I was. I reminded myself of all the reasons that I was important anyway. All the reasons I should and could still do what I was meant to do anyway. I let myself feel beautiful and allowed myself to follow my dreams at whatever weight.

4. I started actually following my dreams. I started acting again. I started doing improv. I wrote and produced and performed a comedic cabaret with a good friend of mine. I auditioned for a show in another city, got it, quit my day job, started rehearsing etc etc etc. Basically I let myself do all the things that I thought I had to be skinny to do. I let myself try them. I reminded myself daily that weight had nothing to do with any of it- that that belief was a control issue that had no bearing on actual creativity and success and happiness and life enjoyment.

Once I was putting my energy into actual productive, exciting things, food continued to become a normal part of my life. Enjoyable,  nourishing, delicious, healthy or decadent. Normal. I lost weight when I was excited and stressed over a cabaret- maybe I was eating less maybe I wasn’t, I don’t even know. All I know is that NOW, I am eating more than EVER and not gaining a pound.

5. Focus on the Life You Want. I remind myself every single day, or any time an old disordered thought or worry comes into my mind, that there is no point focusing on weight when there are a million more exciting things to focus on. Focus on constructive, life affirming, purpose filled thoughts and activities. Your weight will follow. You will not get the life you want by focusing on your weight. But you may get the weight your body wants by focusing on your life.

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Moral of this post- I still stand by everything I ever said about life and food and weight and exercise and metabolism and self love. There is no way around it. To live the life you want, focus on your real passions. Do things you have always wanted to do. Fuck the fearful thoughts that arise.

Now I know that if I do gain a little weight or lose a little weight, who cares. My life is exciting and fulfilling and rich. I have gotten away from the minutia of food worry, and am now about to marvel at how much I can put down without any issue. I can know that if I gain any weight- who cares. I can focus on the things I want to do, instead of the food I want to control.

And I swear to you, if I can do it, you can do it. Keep going.

12 comments

  1. Cheryl says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am beginning this journey because after a life of dieting, I am sick if my whole life being about numbers. On the scale or in my food. At age 53, I am ready to focus on living the life I really want.

  2. ripchordgirl says:

    Thank you so much for this! Staying on the badass track is haaaard but worth it. I’m fighting an anorexia relapse right now and “them’s fighting words”… I WILL be a badass. Fuck trying to be thinner.

  3. Sheri says:

    Very happy for you……only thing is…..were you ever really overweight to begin with? I’m finding a lot of people who do this …….gain weight…lots…not just 15 lbs….and don’t seem to lose it! Just wondering!

  4. I so appreciate hearing from someone further down the road from me. I too have accomplished a lot more since giving up high ideals on food, weight, and spending all my time in the kitchen.

  5. This is wonderful. I’ve been recovering for about the same about of time – a year and a half – and I have regained my self of self. I think that’s the best thing I’ve found. I’m participating instead of watching life go by. i’m interested in everything I used to love. I’m naturally at a healthy weight. Beyond that, it doesn’t matter. This post is beautiful, and I’m so glad to hear you’re doing well.

  6. Amanda says:

    This is fantastic, and very similar to my own experience. I had tried intuitive eating before, but it never worked because I was not ready to take the necessary steps to truly free myself. This time, I quit exercising. I had developed an unhealthy relationship with it and knew that going without, even for a short period of time, would benefit me. I also had to accept that I would probably gain weight, which was, I think, THE hardest part of the entire process. So like you, I bought bigger clothes, but I also started dressing myself up a bit more. I have a pretty casual job, but I still made myself up a bit more so I could still feel good during the “weight gain” stage. I also quit weighing myself for a few months and just let myself eat whatever I wanted. I did gain weight, but I also completely healed my relationship with food. It’s been 11 months now, and I have not binged (I used to binge around once a week, sometimes more, for about 3 years). I’ve lost a little bit of the weight, but it doesn’t matter either way. I’m happy, and I cannot say how FREEING it is to just EAT and exercise because I enjoy it. Your blog was a part of helping me on my path to happiness. So thank you. 🙂

  7. Ina Nikol Ray says:

    Thank you for the inspiration! I just passed the buying-bigger-clothes stage and am now trying to accept the weight fluctuations which are crazy. What I find very strange is that I only feel fat in tight clothes now. When I wear bigger clothes which fit my body, I feel perfectly good. I always thought that being a bigger size would ruin me, so I was horrified of buying those clothes. Now it turns out that the tiny clothes are a bigger issue. This is a huge milestone for me! Thanks for your lovely posts!

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