For years I have joked about “how chill I am”.
Don’t worry about me… I am so chill.
Nbd, I’m pretttyyyy chill, man.
How am I? Oh SO chill.
Joke being: I’m not chill.
It was funny to me, but also allowed me to have a level of sanity around my insanity.
Look at how nuts I am! Look at how nuts we are! Let’s laugh!
But, for all the awareness I had, and all the desire I had to be more chill, I was still so incredibly not-chill.
For the past few years, I have put most of my chillness energy into food and body.
I like to say that this food journey, if you’re willing to really do it, is the gateway to revamping the way you relate to everything in your life.
What we learn about food and body applies to everything.
So The Fuck It Diet was one big shift in awareness towards more chill.
‘Ohhhh man… my unchillness is literally ruining my life. I am miserable.
So let’s be chill about food. Let’s surrender control (we don’t have much anyway). Let’s listen and be willing to be guided and led. Let’s be willing to be imperfect. Let’s be willing to be really seen. Let’s just be willing.’
And it worked! Hurray! And not just for me, for other people too.
Turns out being chill works. It is pretty much the answer! And yea it takes a lot of work and mental gymnastics to retrain your brain and habits and fears and worries to just freaking calm down and let go.
But still, for all my newer chill about food, my natural inner-spaz** would pop up in other ways. (**SEE NOTE AT BOTTOM)
And I am lucky I have really smart friends who were able to look at me when I was freaking out over whether I should wear a coat or not because I may get hot and have to hold it and god forbid!!!!?!!!
I saw it. I knew it was old energy trying to control every situation. And for what? Literally nothing. Spazzing out doesn’t do anything helpful except teach you you have shit to let go of.
My friends were able to turn it around on me… “Hey Caroline… what about ‘Fuck It’? What about applying your method to catching subways…??”
Yea. Yea but like, I really wanted to catch that train.
So cue more work to let go. Cue more surrendering. Cue more willingness to relax. More willingness to slow down. More willingness to chill the fuck out.
Because what is it all stemming from?
The fear that if I don’t control things everything will fall apart?
The belief that if I don’t control things nothing will ever work out?
And mistrust. Mistrust in myself. Mistrust in the world.
I already knew all of that. I already knew that mistrust was the #1 thing that makes our eating messed up. That mistrusting our bodies leads to disaster.
But mistrusting the world and our own gut feelings also leads to disaster.
So that’s the new journey. And it’s a long time in the making. It’s probably a life-long journey.
Now that food is normal, where else am I holding on a little too tight? Where else am I afraid to let go?
Where else am I a spaz?
And recently, something weird has been happening…
I’ve been becoming… legitimately… chill.
Partially because it’s been a constant thing I’ve been writing about, working on, and working on with other people for years.
Partially because of energy work (that I now do on other people!!!)
Partially because I’ve become more comfortable filling my life with things that feel really right and aligned, and letting go of most of the things that feel wrong.
I’ve surrendered to listening to myself. I’ve surrendered to not knowing what’s gonna happen. I have surrendered to understanding that I cannot control most things, but also have incredible control over the things I choose to include in my life.
I surrendered to trusting that I’m going where I’m supposed to be going, and it’s allowed to feel good, and when it doesn’t, it’s a sign that something else needs to change.
And now, I have even become someone who walks towards the subway instead of runs.
And I’ve become the kind of person who gets out her wallet after the cab reaches my stop instead of feeling like I had to rush out of the cab so they could get to their next passenger sooner.
(Weird. I had a lot of travel anxiety.)
I mean, I’m still a spaz. But I’m also like, sooooo chill now, man.
NOTE: Thanks to a reader from the UK, I have been informed that ‘spaz’ means hugely different things in US than in the UK. In the US it is a casual way to refer to someone who is overly excitable or easily startled. Jumpy. Stressy. And that is exactly what I was (am?). In the UK it is a derogatory term for disabled people. All my UK readers please take note this would NEVER be my intention.
I didn’t change it because, a, in the US this really IS the best way to describe me. And b, hopefully this info will be helpful for other US people who had NO IDEA, too.