You Literally Can’t Eat Too Much

Let me explain what’s happened to me since I have fully healed my mind and body of disordered sheeeeiiiiiiit:

I literally cannot eat too much.

And I find myself really hungry, often, in a way that isn’t scary anymore at all, because I now know it’s a calling I can and will respond to: I will eat. A lot. As much as I want and need. Every day. Many times a day. For the rest of my life.

At this point I trust that even when I eat a LOT of food in one sitting, it’s all good. That’s the way hunger works. That’s the way metabolisms work. It’s not about eating a small snack every 3 hours. Actually… sometimes it is. Sometimes that’s perfect. But it’s all about responding to what you need day to day.

There is a magic now in eating a lot, and trusting it. Deep into a bowl of pasta or bag of chips or cookie break, I’ll find I’m not hungry anymore and don’t care at all about continuing eating.

And occasionally I do continue eating, and that’s fine too, because I literally cannot eat too much anymore.

I can’t eat too much because “the right amount” doesn’t exist anymore.

And even if I ever get really stuffed and uncomfortable, which has only happened once or twice in any recent memory, it just… doesn’t matter. It’s so rare, and the stakes are so low, and it has become so disconnected from my weight.

Not only does it not matter to me if I gain weight, but my body feels like it almost can’t gain weight easily.

I have been eating so much for 3 years. And by now it seems my weight has stabilized. Eating now seems to have absolutely nothing to do with weight anymore, at all. Counter intuitive? Sure. But that’s what happens when we are fed. Body weight regulation. Energy balance.

It all started as a conscious, radical act: not wanting to care or worry whether I gained weight or not (and I did gain weight, originally). Consciously wanting to unlink eating from weight, and unlink weight from feelings of worth.

So you have to set out to prove it to yourself. You can’t just think it, you have to do it. Face the fear. Gain the weight. Choose to like yourself in the midst of all the old noise telling you why you shouldn’t.

You know you should. Do it.

You have to do that part. You MUST.

However, the un-promised side effect is that now not only is my weight stable but it is low. And it doesn’t seem to matter how much I eat. And sometimes I assume I must have gained weight, because how could I go through life eating everything I want and not really exercising formally and still be tinier than I was when I yo-yo dieted? How did my attempt to accept myself at any size result in me losing weight? And am I a fraud?

But, no, it still stays stable.

Your hunger is trying to feed your cells, and your metabolism has a weight regulatory system that only gets out of whack when there is a strange hunger/starvation/binge thing going on, or other health problems.

Trying to control it is futile.

And the best part is, if and when I ever do gain weight, the most that would have to change is I buy new pants and bras.

Fuck. It.