We all want guarantees. And that’s what diets give us: false guarantees of happiness, beauty, and adoration.

Well … the Fuck It Diet doesn’t come with a guarantee. I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m not going to make false promises. And I’m not going to consider myself some infallible guru.

I received this question below, and I hoped that the Q and my A would be helpful for everyone to read. Cause we are all looking for guarantees. Whether we are dieting anymore or not. I get it. No one is immune to searching for solid ground beneath their feet. But the truth is, there is no solid ground.

Q: I’ve been trying to diet again. I KNOW. It’s making me a little bit crazy already BUT the desire to be thin is still so strong. I really do believe I’m not ‘meant’ to be as big as this in the long run. A diet seems like a helpful way of slimming down, but already I feel the desire to cheat and binge.

Honestly, I want to be thinner. Do I really have to let go of the desire to be slim? How do I embrace my desire for health without it being diet-y? I WANT to be free, but I hate being so fat. Are there any guarantees that if I do all the fuck it stuff and energy stuff that it will actually work and I’ll be happy as I am? Or is this just another thing to try and see what happens?

A: I can’t make any promises about the Fuck It Diet or energy work.

The Fuck It Diet is the path I found, and I stand by it and believe it to be real healing, but I can’t make you grand sweeping promises – same as diets can’t. All I can do is tell you what I’ve learned.

And the other thing I can do it teach you to listen to yourself, which is more valuable than any other lesson.

You’ve read the science of restriction and metabolism, the science of weight and health: how health is more a result of genes and social stress – and joy and sadness – than weight, you’ve learned how dieting is the best way to gain more and more weight.

Feeling out of control with eating is a metabolic reaction to physical restriction, and an emotional reaction to the amount of pressure you’re putting on yourself, and the resistance you have to your current body.

And yes, the paradox of happiness, is that surrendering to your current body size and choosing to see the beauty right where you are, is going to free up your day-to-day misery and end the emotionally toxic chastising of yourself, and allow you to live fully live as you are now. And that’s the space where you can get really normal with eating.

But you’re in charge.

I know what I believe about food and weight, and we both know why, but if dieting is what you want right now, I can’t convince you otherwise.

So my advice is this:

Seek as much joy as you possibly can. Find your joys. Find joy in what’s already happening, and add in more and more joy that make you feel alive. Joy means something different for everyone, so make it yours.

If you ask me, the purpose of life is connecting with people, sharing what you believe you’re meant to share, and allowing as much joy as you can in the process.

Follow body positive, fat, cool, confident women. Start with Jes Baker, Virgie Tovar, Kelsey Miller, etc. If you already do, keep doing it. Make that a part of your day no matter how you are eating. Follow ones that inspire you, not every fat woman is going to inspire you, just like anything or anyone. All people do not speak to all of us. You’re allowed to be picky with what inspires you.

If you believe you need to go diet, go diet. I do not condone or endorse dieting ever, but I am not the boss of you, and the Fuck It Diet doesn’t need to be your bible.

As far as energy work goes, stuck emotions, beliefs, and learned expectations I believe are a big root of our sadness, anxiety, misery, and general stuckness. Energy work is one of the ways that I have found to really move and help those things, but I can’t convince anyone that what I’m offering is what they ‘should’ be doing.

I can’t promise you what you want me to promise you, all I can tell you is to really, really listen to yourself and honor yourself. Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Follow inspiring fat women. Seek as much joy as you possibly can. Surrender to guidance from whatever spirituality that makes you feel comfortable and safe and joyful.

My job isn’t to make big sweeping promises, but my job is to teach you what I know and empower you to trust yourself and be kind to yourself.

Imagine if you just decided, against all societal odds and against everything that people say you should feel about your body, that you were comfortable and confident with how you looked and how you ate?

You just decided: I’m confident. I’m okay. I’m doing alright. I should be proud.

Your life would transform in an instant.

But we are humans, and not robots, so that shift is often significantly harder and scarier than just snapping our fingers. And the reason is: we have strong core beliefs about food, weight, and confidence that keep us stuck feeling badly about ourselves.

The truth is, you can and should be confident with eating lots of food. And it all has to do with getting in touch with, and releasing your old, unhelpful, “limiting beliefs” about food.

We have so many core beliefs about our bodies, health, our eating, and our ability to be happy and confident based on all of these external factors. We learned these beliefs through our family, through society, and through experiences we have had throughout our lives.

So first let me give you a little Fuck It Diet food crash-course, which will hopefully illuminate why eating a lot is in fact…. good.

We need more food that we were taught we need.

Especially if you are a “binger” or feel “out of control with food”, chances are you are not actually eating enough. Either that, or you are filled with food guilt which sabotages normal eating just as much.

You are either not eating enough or constantly feeling guilty for eating certain things. And you are perpetuating a very biological cycle that happens when we feel restricted.

When we restrict, our metabolism becomes suppressed and afraid of more famine. Food fixation, extra hunger, and bingeing are the symptoms. But the funny thing is, they are also the cures. Food fixation, extra hunger and guilt-free bingeing feasts will heal your metabolism and bring you back to equilibrium if you actually allow it.

However, our beliefs:

Eating a lot is bad for you

I shouldn’t be this hungry

I just need to find the right diet

I’m a food addict

My body cannot be trusted to eat the right amount

… all keep you stuck. And round and round it goes.

Beliefs are tricky because they actually have the power to shape our experiences. When we believe certain things, life has a funny way of revolving around that belief and helping to prove it true. We subconsciously conspire to help us prove our own beliefs.

For instance, if you believe: I always eat too much. Your life will start to reflect this.

If you believe: I can’t be happy until I lose 30 lbs. That’s what you will experience, too.

But back to food, the truth is: your cravings for more food, or for more carbs, are actually totally legitimate biological responses to restricting your food. And following those cravings is the way to start finding some true food intuition and get closer to real, easy, food neutrality.

So if you feel like you are a food addict, a binge eater, ‘out of control with food’… those are all examples of limiting beliefs that are keeping you afraid of food and stuck in a miserable cycle that keeps perpetuating itself.

Our bodies actually know exactly what to do and how much to eat, and the only reason you aren’t experiencing that is your mistrust and limiting beliefs around food and eating and body.

So if you want real confidence, the most important thing to do, is to find the core beliefs that are keeping you feeling powerless, dysfunctional, and afraid of food and your body and decide to shed them.

Here are some really good places to start finding your limiting beliefs:

Question all of your beliefs.

Basically, unless we are talking about a fact: I am 5’5″, your beliefs are probably NOT true. Assume that everything you think you know is wrong. Be willing to question all your beliefs and start seeing how they are affecting you and shaping your experiences.

Start shifting your thinking to “Am I Eating ENOUGH food?”

Most of us are actually not. Most of us dieters or ex-dieters need to completely shift the way we look at feeding ourselves.

Find all your beliefs about what kind of foods you are supposed to be eating

All of those beliefs are limiting beliefs. You are supposed to be eating exactly what you are craving. That’s the way to heal the binge/repent cycle.

Find all your limiting beliefs about what you are supposed to look like

Word to the wise, your beliefs will be hard to recognize at first, because they are beliefs. And by definition, they feel like facts, because you believe them.

But just start paying attention to what might be limiting beliefs shaping your experience.

In fact all SHOULDS and SUPPOSED TOs are normally attached to some unhelpful, stress inducing, limiting beliefs.

I’m not supposed to eat ________________

I’m supposed to eat _________________

I’m not supposed to look _________________

I’m supposed to look _________________

I’m supposed to _________________

I’m not supposed to ___________________

Confidence will happen when you drop the beliefs that make you feel you aren’t allowed to be confident.

You are allowed.

This article is part of the Body Confidence Blog Carnival that Victoria Welsby has organized. Go follow the Carnival to find more awesome posts on Confidence.