Author: Caroline

young and the resting

Who Would You Be

And as much as disordered eating is physical thing, it is even more a mental thing.

If you find yourself very attached the the idea of being _______________ “perfect”, “thin”, “skinny”, “beautiful”, “healthy”, “powerful”, “glowing”, etc.

Or if giving over to normal eating is too hard because you feel like in the process you are losing control of whatever word you insert above, do this exercise:

Take your word from above, whatever the thing is that you are petrified to lose or lose control over, that thing that you ACHE for. The thing that you feel would make everything RIGHT if you could just have it.

Then ask yourself, Why do I want to be ________________. 

Imagine your life that way. Imagine how you would look, how you would dress, what you would do, how you would feel, how you would BE. Imagine it in great detail and write down at least 10 specific ways YOU would feel different. Take your time with this, and don’t edit. There are no right or wrong or petty answers. Some may be brilliant and insightful and some may be silly. Write as much as you want. Fantasize. Imagine. Have fun.When you have your list, look at it and go over the items. These are the things that you really want, more than the word in your fill in the blank.

Then decide if any of those things you can go for now and be now, without worrying about getting to that ached for perfection first. Then make a list of the ways you could make those feelings and new ways you would be happen now: today, tomorrow.

***

What we really want, what we really think skinniness or beauty will give us, is happiness.

We really just want to be vibrant and awesome and authentic and happy. We want great friends, we want to laugh, we want to speak our truths, we want to give our gifts, we want to be heard and special and alive. Being pretty or skinny or buff or “in perfect health” or “powerful” are all just things we imagine will get us what we want: happiness. But I swear to baby jesus and abraham and a rubber urban outfitters statue of buddha: it will not.

You can become society’s definition of gorgeous and be more miserable than ever. In fact, that happens more often than not, because what you were going after doesn’t come with anything real except more self-criticism, and you’re still relying on their approval. Perfectionism has no stopping point.

Do it NOW. Make plans for tomorrow to do all the things you say you’ll do once you become _____________________.

I promise you that is the only way to really live.

Now.

Fuck.

It.

Q & A: How do you eat whatever you want, while dealing with hormone imbalances and insulin resistance?

I get quite a few questions like the following, and I want to take the time to answer it on my blog!

Q: I was just diagnosed with polycystic ovaries, so my hormones are very imbalanced as well. Also, my insulin receptors on my red blood cells are bad, so I’m in a pre-diabetic state–which means that I can have very little carbs or sugar. This is disappointing to me, because I was just beginning to heal my relationship with food, especially sugar and carbs, and now I’m afraid ill to back to being afraid of them because they could potentially ruin my health….

Anyway, my question is, how did you deal with your hormone imbalance and insulin resistance? Do you think it could be the Result of restricting food intake for an extended period of time?Did your hormones ever level out and/or insulin levels go back to normal? And if so how? Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

Answer

Edited to add: Julie Duffy Dillon is a dietitian who specializes in non-diet & PCOS and I highly recommend you listen to my episode with her here.

But here is my personal experience with PCOS:

I absolutely, 100% had problems with sugar/insulin resistance in my past, and now I do not. It left me feeling horrible and shaky and tired, among other things. I am convinced this is why: genetic predisposition + STRESS/CORTISOL and lifelong restriction/binge eating.

I then think it was numerous extreme low-carb diets, and ongoing disordered eating that kept my body in a state of “WTF!?”.

My hormones, relatedly, were WACKED. Notably, low progesterone. Which, while I think there are some genetic and environmental factors at play, the straw that broke the camel’s back was STRESS/CORTISOL and compounded by restriction/low-carb diets and the backlash: binge eating.

What does this mean? This means that yes, I am certain that our body’s ability to metabolize sugar greatly decreases the less of it we eat. And that sugar is helpful metabolically. I think that the most important thing in slowly healing this, is trusting that you are NOT actually diabetic, you CAN handle sugar, and to start to experiment with eating what you want and letting go of those food fears. There will be both a learning curve for you and for your body.

I did a few things at the same time last spring of 2012, I stopped restricting sugar/everything, AND I started taking natural progesterone because I am extremely low. When they did my blood panel after a few months of eating sugar liberally, my sugar was extremely normal. After they did a blood panel of my hormones after a few months on progesterone, my testosterone was lower (more normal), even though I was continuing to eat liberally.

This goes to show that eating more sugar does no equal insulin resistance/imbalanced hormones!

Also lastly for hormones, stress reduction is very important! But guess what one huge stressor tends to be in our lives? Thinking we are supposed to be on some ultra important life-saving, beauty restoring diet! And, that any deviation from it is utter failing.

Another big part of stress reduction is a good dose of spirituality and trusting and accepting of what this weird little crazy, little amazing life has to offer. And trusting that food is not your biggest enemy, no matter what they say.

I am not personally 100% healed of hormonal problems, but my health, energy, appetite, and life is without a doubt better since trusting that food and sugar were not my enemies.

Please take note that I am not a doctor, so with any medical advice, please use your own personal intuition about your body first, as well as consulting a (maybe, holistic or HAES) doctor or nutritionist as well.

Q&A: How Can I Accept My Body If I Know I Am More Attractive When I’m Thinner?

I know I have not posted in a long time! But, there is a good side to that. Posting has always had a therapeutic quality for ME. “What you teach, your learn”…. or something. And eating normally has become such an easy part of my life, that I haven’t been inspired to post as much.

However! That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t post more often! The FAQ I am going to answer today is a conglomeration of a question people ask me all the time. I am often asked something similar to the question below, so I am going to ANSWER IT! And try to do it in a concise paragraph (or 4) (or whatever).

Question:

HOW Can I accept my body now, if I know I look better when I am thinner?! Am I supposed to be OK with being ugly?

Answer

This is the hardest thing that people seem to face with normalizing their eating. Because controlling their bodies is normally the reason they started restricting eating in the first place. And even if it wasn’t the first reason, the feeling of a lack of control over your body normally sends people into a panic.

Prologue: The first thing that is important to remember again, is that there is nothing dangerous, foolish, or gluttonous about learning to eat what your body wants. And, there is nothing but good that can come from it. You will become a happier, free-er, healthier, calmer, more nourished person, the longer you stick to committing to eating what you and your body want. No matter how much weight you initially gain, or even keep on long-term. And if you want to dispute that statement intellectually, let your whole heart and body listen to that statement and see if it rings true. You were not born on this earth to diet every day of your life until you die. You were meant to eat normally- no matter what size you are. That is important to remember and believe before I get to the real advice.

Ok. This belief: “You look better when you are thinner”. Is this true? Is this 100% without a doubt true? If your first reaction is “Duh, yes.” Ask again. Ask again and again, and then ask: Can I be absolutely CERTAIN this is true?

And BTW, just because people give you constant, unhelpful compliments when you are thinner does not make this true. All it is is indicative of society, yes, and people trying to be nice. But that is all. Nothing more, nothing less. It may feel like an indisputable fact, but it is not.

Yet, this was something that I believed without a doubt, too. And when people would casually say that it didn’t really matter as much as I thought it did, or that I had a skewed perception of myself and my attractiveness-based-on-my-current-weight, I would scoff. “They don’t know what they are talking about” or “they are lying” or “they are stupid. maybe they want to be fat, but not me.”

But is it really true  that you are more attractive when you are thinner? Maybe in order to be a model. Maybe in order to be on the CW. Maybe in order to look like a 13 year old. But, definitively more attractive? Maybe solely based on the limited and unrealistic, photoshopped 13-year-old and anorexic models.

Yea, maybe you don’t fit into the impossible, warped standard of beauty for the last 30 years. Sure. I’ll give you that.

But that doesn’t make it right! And that doesn’t make you ugly. And that doesn’t make accepting your body 6 sizes up futile and crazy.

No matter how much we think it, no genuine success or worth or attractiveness is derived from our size. You are as beautiful and worthy as you believe you are. Again, try to argue with that intellectually, but then let your heart and your body respond. And you know its true.

Look at Fat Acceptance Pinterest Boards. Look at Plus Sized Models. Dress in clothes you love no matter what size you are. Create something. Care about something. Make something. Fix something. Love something. Share something. Sit in the sun.

Make your life more than one big attempt to be as skinny as you can be.

Eat what your heart and body desire and you are healthy. Decide you are beautiful and you are beautiful. Decide you are worthy, and you will realize you always have been.