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We’ve been told that calories in versus calories out is how-weight-works.

“Eat less than you expend and you’ll lose weight”.

But this is what really happens:

“Eat less that you expend and you’ll lose weight at first, but then you’ll gain it all back and think it’s your fault- but it is actually because your body will compensate your metabolism in order to keep your weight stably around the same place, because biologically that is how we have survived as a species during all those years when food wasn’t as easy to ensure or come by.”

I understand that it’s a mind trip after the simplicity of calories in vs calories out.

Because first few times you dieted, I bet you really did lose weight easily. Then, when you gained it back, you were sure it was your fault. But it wasn’t. Your body made sure that that happened. And it even wanted you to go a bit ABOVE where you started, just for good measure.

But now you’re convinced that if you can just do it like you did the first time, you’ll lose weight again, but THIS time you’ll keep it off. This time you’ll do it right. This time you’ll succeed and be beautiful and happy foreverrrrrrrrrrrrr.

But it’s harder to do now because your body isn’t having any of this shit. You’ve already pressed your luck, and now your body is fighting back harder.

And even if you happen to muster the willpower to override your body’s efforts to make you eat and keep on weight, and even if you actually do lose weight again, your body will immediately lower your metabolism and make you expend less in order to eventually bring your weight back up. It will also wire you to crave more food than you ever would have wanted under normal eating and metabolic conditions.

It should be noted that increasing exercise will have the same effect. The body will encourage rest to make up for your exertion. And if you force more exertion, it’ll just slow down your system altogether.

There’s a good reason why Michael Phelps ate 12,000 calories a day. That’s what extreme exercise requires. (And it’s also around the amount that men rehabilitating from semi-starvation ate after the Minnesota Starvation Experiment.)

So, for any of you who thinks that weight is just a matter of decreasing your consumption, and are confused and frustrated that it’s not working anymore… it’s just because your body wants you to chill the eff out and start eating normally again.

It also wants you to put on weight.

You know why? Weight is actually healthy. Letting yourself gain weight actually is the only way to heal your metabolism.

Paradoxically, once you stop trying to control your appetite, and finally eat whatever it wants (even if that’s a LOT), it’ll heal. It’ll speed up. It’ll trust that there is food. And that is the surest way to have a healthy stable weight for you.

Bring on the calories.

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Or: What to Expect When You Are Expecting to Heal Your Eating Real Fast And Become Skinny

(If you’re curious why I am editing the F word, it’s because of itunes’ new rules. SMGDH)

Your personal journey will be different from mine, or your friend’s, or the people you connect with on the internet. That being said, there will mostly likely be overlap and similar experiences as well, so I am going to list some things many people experience, just so you’re prepared.

Expect to be very hungry in the beginning.

You will be hungry. Think of the rehabilitation of Minnesota Starvation Experiment.

Hunger is the body’s way of repairing the body and metabolism. Lots of hunger is the natural healing response to the famine survival state. You will need to honor this hunger by eating.

Expect to be afraid of this hunger

You will be scared that you are never going to stop eating. You are going to be afraid that you will be this hungry forever. You are going to be afraid that without tight control, your eating will just keep going and going and going until you pop.

These fears are understandable but untrue, and ultimately, unhelpful. The more you can trust that eating is the only path to food normalcy, and a normalized appetite and metabolism, the quicker and easier it’ll be.

Whenever you’re panicking and doubting this whole process, just remember the famine. What would happen after a famine (or even a decade long semi-famine)? You’d be starving, you’d need to eat a lot more for a little bit, and then, naturally, things would go back to normal. And even if you have never experienced what normal appetite is, you will get there naturally, and eating is the only way. And fighting it is futile.

Expect to gain weight.

Trying to control your weight is the reason why you are now so messed up with food, and the reason weight becomes erratic and harder and harder to “control”. To heal the damaging starvation mode, you must gain weight. It is the only way to stop the cycle. This applies to you whether you are on the lower or higher end of the weight spectrum.

I know you want me to tell you that you are going to be ‘fighting the man’ and ‘rebelling against beauty ideals’ and eating a shit-ton and repairing your metabolism all while looking like an adorable, hairless, lithe fairy, but that’s not how this goes.

You are almost certainly going to gain weight. And it is actually an essential rite of passage on this journey.

It is also pretty much the only way to heal your metabolism. Remember the famine. What would happen after a famine? You’d gain weight. And then, only then, would the body be able to calm down and stabilize again and not hold onto every pound for dear life. No matter where you are, you can count on gaining some weight, and the more you resist it, the longer this whole process will take.

Expect to resist gaining weight

Your fear of gaining weight is one of the big root causes of your messed-up-eating, and always will be. So you need to face that fear — gaining some weight and learning to like yourself anyway is arguably the big rite of passage here, and will be a huge shift in your quality of life. If you attempt to skip this part, there is a part of this journey that will remain incomplete. You will remain petrified of what your life would be, and who you would be, at a higher weight.

Facing the fear of gaining weight will make all the difference ongoing, and make you able to continue eating normally as you go forward, understanding that your “worst fear has happened” and your life is still continuing to get better than before.

Expect to slowly stop fixating on food

This will take months, but the more you eat, and the more you allow the things that you used to be petrified of, the less you will find yourself fixating on food. This is both biological – as the body becomes more and more fed, but also just mental, you take away the power a food when you truly let yourself eat it.

Expect your weight will stop yo-yo-ing

Once you become normal and neutral with food, and once your body knows there is food, your weight will stabilize, easily, right around where it is supposed to be.

You will always fluctuate, that is human, but the dramatic weight gain and loss will stabilize. Weight stabilization looks different on everyone, but it will be healthy for you. And if you can surrender to that, the rest of this will be a breeze.

Expect to start having energy and brain space to focus on other things

The whole point of The F It Diet is to have food lose its power over you so you can focus on more soul fulfilling, life-enhancing things. The goal is to free up the energy that you’ve been spending on how perfect your protein bar collection is, and start focusing on doing things that actually enhance your life, things that make you feel good and alive and creatively fulfilled. And maybe even enjoying yourself while you do it. Wouldn’t that be amAZing?

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I was taught, just like most people, that thin was healthy, and not-thin was not-healthy.

I was also taught that thin was beautiful and that not-thin was not beautiful.

And that if for some reason you were living your life at a not-thin and “not-optimal” weight, then you should do everything you could to make sure your clothes are as “flattering” as possible to give the illusion of as much thinness as your current condition will allow.

It turns out that not only is that fucking messed up and infantilizing and glamorizing the bodies of women who look like they can’t digest food, but it’s all relatively new. We learned that ‘skinniness is beauty’ only in the last century, and we’ve subscribed to it.

What that means is that we can unlearn it. Just like you learned to like, and then unlike, bell bottoms… you can learn and unlearn to see different body types as beautiful. What I would encourage you to do, is to expand your definition of what beauty is, instead of just trying to change it.

The single biggest thing that made The F It Diet work for me, was my shift in my relationship to weight.

My newfound willingness to accept wherever my weight fell was the thing that made this work.

Accepting your weight and totally relearning the way you see yourself will, without a doubt, be the hardest part of this journey.

You have already tried to fight your weight, maybe even for decades, and now here you are, probably still secretly hoping that The F It Diet will give you the key to unlocking your tiny body…

No. It’s not. What this whole thing will unlock for you, however, is the body and weight you are supposed to have, plus your best chance at a normal appetite, a normal relationship with food, and weight stabilization.

If you think that letting your weight fall where it may is unacceptable, you’re still in denial about what trying to control your weight has done to you and will continue to do to you and your weight and heart and mind for the rest of your life.

If your weight still keeps ending up higher than it was when you started your diet, that’s all thanks to your survival mechanism and starvation response, and it is purposely upping your weight in preparation for the next famine. That will keep happening.

When I tell you your best bet is to drop the fight, I really mean it. More dieting and more attempts to lower your weight is just going to do the opposite of what you want it to do.

The best option is to accept where your body wants to be, treat your body well, feed it, love it, and let it calm down. You will probably end up somewhere in the middle of where you’ve yo-yoed. You may spend some time at the top of where you’ve yo-yoed. You really can’t do anything about it. You’ve tried.

Your body is gonna keep fighting back until you are an old woman, complaining about her pant size. And we deserve better passions than our pant size. So you may as well learn to befriend it.

I know this is all easier said than done. I know there is way more fear, and social stigma, personal judgment, and health fear, and more that goes into doing this. I know it’s not simple, but there is no other option except continuing the mania and misery you are experiencing right now. Your choice.