How I Eat Now

I want to try and explain the difference between my eating before — and my eating now.

How do I now experience normal eating?

Before The Fuck It Diet, I was constantly hungry. Constantly wanting food. Constantly fearing food. Constantly berating myself for eating too much. Constantly thinking about my next snack or my next meal. I felt like it was so easy to ‘eat too much’. And whenever I ate the “right amount” I’d get hungry immediately after. Always hungry. Never satiated. Never doing it right. Always ruining things. And I was always just one wrong snack or extra bite away from ruining everything. I felt like that the ‘wrong’ food would immediate change and morph my body into something out of control and unrecognizable.

Now? I forget to eat. Really. It’s not that I don’t want to eat, or don’t think it’s important, it’s just that I know I will eat, and that I’ll eat as much as I want, so it lets me let it go and focus on other things until I realize: Oh woa, I’d better eat.

I have no eating schedule. I have no normal day. (Largely because I work for myself.) So every single day is different. Some days I’m not very hungry at all. Some days I’m absolutely ravenous. I follow whatever is happening. Sometimes the hunger makes sense, sometimes I can’t figure it out. I follow it anyway.

Some meals I’m barely hungry, some meals I could eat the equivalent of 4 meals. It’s different every single day. It’s different depending on how much I’ve moved or slept or where I am in my cycle and probably lots of other variables I am not aware of.

It’s never, ever the same. And it never will be.

I crave traditionally ‘healthy’ foods and decadent treats in equal amounts. I think it errs on the side of what would be considered ‘healthy’, but still varies from day to day, week to week, snack to snack.

Most days I think, “no, my body really doesn’t want a bagel.”

Some days it’s clear: “Oh yes, a bagel and cream cheese is just the thing.”

Some days I eat a bagel and can’t get through more than half. Some days I eat that bagel and cream cheese and could keep going, but generally don’t because that is unnecessary expenditure of $2.50 when I’m probably going to have lunch in 2 hours anyway.

I used to always be hungry. Always judging food. Always nervous about what ‘safe’ food would be available when I was out.

I used to always try to figure out my hunger level.

Am I hungry enough to be allowed to eat?

Am I still hungry enough to be allowed to keep eating?

(Why am I so hungry??????)

Now, when I get full, it’s sort of like a magnet repelling another magnet. It’s harder and harder to bring food to my mouth. It isn’t fun anymore. It doesn’t taste as good anymore. There is no pull.

Whereas, when I’m still hungry, it’s like a magnet attracting another magnet. It’s easy and natural to keep eating. Don’t you dare try to stop me!

It’s all is innate. Starting and stopping eating is innate. Hunger is innate. It’s not hard. It’s never perfect. It’s never the same. It’s easy. It’s delicious. And there is no guilt if I get full. It just is.

And there is no way to get to this place, until you let yourself eat everything, anytime, no guilt, no rules, no weight judgments, no amount judgments, no health judgments. This food ease and food neutrality, is the result of eating whatever you want, and trusting that your body has got your back.