Tag: Eating

What’s Going to Happen With My Weight?

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Over the weekend I did this weird dancing video to Jesus Christ Superstar when I was reunited with my weird sister, and I shared it on TFID instagram. As I shared it I thought maybe it was a mistake, because watching it back I noticed I looked so thin.

I don’t show my full body often in my work with TFID – when I do, it raises lots of questions that I think are ultimately unhelpful distractions.

Like this comment from a follower:

 

First of all, think about what it means when you say, “you are thin and you look great.” What are you implying? That if I wasn’t I wouldn’t look great? That people who don’t look thin don’t look great? Think about the implications of the way we choose to compliment people, women especially. This is why we are dysfunctional with food. This is why we are at odds with ourselves. I understand that this was a lead-in to her questions about what happens with weight on the fuck it diet, but still.

I am not trying to be aggressive or difficult… this just happens all the time and it’s tiring.

I have a fat mirror

A year ago I moved into a house that had put up a flimsy full length mirror on the bedroom wall to cover the water damage to the exposed brick. This also means that the mirror puffs out and turns into a WIDENING or “fat mirror”. I know this and I accept it because I am currently too overwhelmed to deal with the brick water damage in the house I bought. 

What this also means is that every morning I look wider in the mirror than I actually am. In my laziness I figured this maybe was also a sort of interesting TFID experiment. Because, no it’s not fully accurate, but like, ultimately so what?

This is not something that I would have ever been ok with say… 5 or 6 years ago? Back then all I did was check out how wide I looked in windows, mirrors, everything- just always so so so afraid of being wide. 

Everyone who comes over to my house and looks in that mirror says, “CAROLINE THIS IS A HORRIBLE MIRROR!?!?!? WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS?! I LOOK HORRIBLE?!?!?” 

What they mean is they look SLIGHTLY wider than they do IRL. 

They say, “CAROLINE, YOU NEED TO GET A NEW MIRROR!” And I say, like ok, eventually. But it’s not like a fucking emergency. Calm down.

Anyway, what this means is that when I see a rare video of myself, even I am shocked that I look so thin. Woa, I have some extra padding in my warped bedroom mirror.

Thin Privilege

I am steeped in thin privilege. Because yes, I yo-yoed hardcore, 20-30 lbs, all the time, many times a year, for 10 years. And I’d gain weight in my face and boobs and I would vacillate so much that clothes, bras, dresses wouldn’t fit and acting teachers didn’t know what kind of scenes to give me because like, was I mainstream pretty or not? Who knew. It changed month to month.

In college, a freaking creep of a headshot photographer told me at my creepy headshot photoshoot that when we had our consult he thought I was the chubby friend, but now I looked liked the hot, thin ingenue. (Screw him and his epic creepiness.) But yea, there was always a microscope on my weight, thanks to acting, and even though I was like “ingenue chubby”, I was probably always real-world thin, and that is also why media beauty standards are extra fucked up.

But all of this to say: Yes, I have yo-yoed. Also, yes I am sometimes a bra size G. Yes I also have always had a naturally lower weight set range and have lots of thin privilege. With this out of the way, let’s talk about the questions people ask me about my weight.

BUT CAROLINE WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN WITH MY WEIGHT THO?!

When I show my full body on TFID these are some of the questions I get:

Can I/Will I become thin by not dieting?

Can I NOT trust you because you are thin and I am not?

How much weight did you gain?

How much weight did you lose?

Are you thinner now than you were before?

And I’m positive that the answer to those questions isn’t necessarily helpful, because it won’t necessarily be the same for you.

This is what I can tell you: We all have genetic weight set ranges, fully governed by the hypothalamus. 

It is actually difficult to go below or above your healthy weight set range.

When you go below, your body freaks out and slows your metabolism way down in order to help you gain back. And going above is hard because your body will adjust your metabolism in order to keep you in your healthy range.

One of the only things that can actually mess with this homeostasis, and make you go above, besides endocrine or other health issues, is restriction. Dieting. 

Dieting can raise your set point, because your body wants to make sure you have enough stores if the diet famine comes back. This is a crisis mode that also has other implications for health and stress levels.

So, what happened with my weight? And this is an answer that, remember, is still prioritizing the reason we are so dysfunctional with food in the first place…

I would say right now I am near the lower end of my weight set range. In my past, I would sometimes diet down to this weight, temporarily. One time in high school I went way below but in retrospect I was pretty much anorexic that year. I was also so anemic I almost needed a blood transfusion. It was not a good time.

I would also yo-yo up to the top of my weight set range all of the time.

When I went on The F It Diet, all I knew was that I had to let my body do whatever it needed to do. I bought bigger clothes and left acting, so no headshot photographer could ever say that to me again. And I gained weight to somewhere around the top of the range. Then I slowly lost some of it. And my weight is generally here no matter what I eat and what I do. And I still fluctuate hormonally, seasonally, and depending on, like, whatever man. I fluctuate, and I always will, and you always will too. I make sure I have clothes that fit. I have an underwear drawer filled with different bra sizes, and I have one romper that I can only wear when my boobs are small. And I should get rid of it.

Do not compare your own weight journey to mine, maybe compare your weight set range journey to my weight set range journey, maybe. Maybe.

But here is the truth:

I’m lucky to be so thin that people don’t give me push back with my anti-diet stance and writing and business. I am lucky. I know this. Strangers and acquaintances and distant relatives tell me, “Oh wow, well it WORKS for you! You’re so thin! You look great!” Shut up Brenda, you sound like my grandmother and you have no idea what you are talking about.

It’s comments like that that make people obsessed with becoming and staying thin.

The Way Diets Work

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Diet companies are thrilled that diets seem like they work. Diet companies are also thrilled that diets, ultimately, almost always fail. And diet companies are thrilled that everyone seems to think that it’s their own personal fault that it failed.

Weight loss studies last long enough to take note of the weight that’s lost, they don’t go on long enough to see what happens after the weight is lost.

That’s very convenient for the companies funding the studies, who are almost always the companies who are selling the drug or diet in question.

Weight loss is not confusing. Well… at least that’s what we are told over and over again. It is a simple equation of calories in versus calories out. Or it’s a simple balance of macronutrients. Or it’s a simple avoidance of certain food groups. Or it’s a simple rotation of different food groups. Or it’s a simple amount of hours during the day you’re supposed to eat and not eat. Or it’s a simple supplement that ancient cultures used to induce euphoria and perfect health. Or… Or…

Truth is, all of those things can cause initial weight loss. In my diet heyday I tried lots of them. And most of them worked. For a time.

What none of these studies account for is the inevitable regain. They never stick around long enough to see what happens to your body biologically and mentally as you try to stay on the diet.

We are also now all living under the assumption that eating less, restriction, and constant micromanagement of our intake is a healthy, normal activity. It’s so common that we assume it is normal. And it’s so ingrained and ‘normal’, that we assume it’s healthy.

But your body does not want you to restrict your food, and it does not want you to lose weight, especially when it feels like food is scarce.

So it will sabotage your efforts almost every time and make it harder and harder to lose weight in the future, the more ‘famines’ you put it on.

How does the body sabotage your efforts? It makes you exhausted and slows down your metabolism so you expend less energy and burn less calories. It makes you fixated on food. It makes your hungrier. It makes you binge. It forces you to gain weight back. Sometimes in one fell swoop, sometimes over the course of a year.

Your body does all of this on purpose. It does all of that to get more calories in, and expend less calories. After all, your body has no idea you are trying to fit into an arbitrarily small bikini. Your body thinks there is a motherFing famine.

But if you have ever ended up at the same weight (or higher) after a diet, it’s not because you just needed to try harder. It’s because your body is baller at keeping you safe from famine.

And diet companies are lucky their clients “fail,” because it means they keep coming back for more, determined to try harder and “be good this time”.

They remember back to that one time they lost a lot of weight, and give all the credit to the diet but fail to see that the yo-yo is all part of it. It’s incredibly rare to have the initial weight loss and not have the following regain.

And the people who seem so good at staying on diets, are either people who are not actually dieting at all and are truly listening to themselves, or they are people who have disordered eating and can only focus on their diet and little else.

So what’s the answer?

Your best bet at being a stable and healthy weight (which might not be as tiny as you’ve been hoping for…) is to learn to truly feed yourself what you want and how much you want.

That’s the only scenario where your body won’t fight you back.

The answer is to stop fighting your weight, and you’ll find your weight stops fighting you back.

(See supporting science here.)

Honoring the Jankiness From Whence I Came

I have really exciting news, for me at least… Harper Collins / HarperWave is going to publish The Fuck It Diet book in early 2019.

This same week I found my old blogspot blog that I started back in junior year of college. It was called Non-Quick Oatmeal because I believed in slow food. This was back when I knew I loved to write and was also trying to legitimize my obsession with food.

So the site started as a terrible, terrible food blog, with dark pictures taken on my flip phone. If you read any of the 2009 and 2010 posts (don’t), you will regret it and be bored to tears. However, it is some pretty solid support for the concept of just starting, even when you have no fucking idea what you are doing.

The more I wrote, the more I found out that my talent and passion was NOT writing about “how crispy nachos were”, but instead, the stories before and after the nachos. And luckily for the 4 friends who read my blog, it started becoming more of a weird essay situation, and not a food blog anymore.

I remember thinking, “ugh I really love writing. I wonder how I could become a real book writer where I just write funny essays and never have to leave my house again. In the very least I wonder how I can have like, 40 readers instead of 3 and a half.” But I didn’t know how.

So I just kept writing and having to leave the house.

Starting The Fuck It Diet site was a totally different situation. I wasn’t trying to do anything except share some REALLY IMPORTANT SHIT I WAS LEARNING. I wasn’t trying to be funny or entertaining. The Fuck It Diet wasn’t supposed to be funny. I was so serious. FUCK IT. FUCK THIS. WHY ARE WE COUNTING ALMONDS.

I was anonymous. I didn’t want anyone who I knew in my real life to know I was writing about this. My name was Caroline Haagen, (as in Haagen Dasz). It was beyond me. I just had SHIT TO SHARE AND IT FELT VERY IMPORTANT AND SERIOUS.

This whole thing was also decidedly NOT THE ORIGINAL PLAN. I didn’t want to be a warm and fuzzy self-love body-image teacher. I wanted to be a BEAUTIFUL BROADWAY ACTRESS. BUT NO, LIFE HAD OTHER PLANS, AND THERE I WAS NAMING MYSELF AFTER ICE CREAM TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO EAT RICE AGAIN.

For a long time I thought that my regular facebook/nonquickoatmeal/email writing voice was the opposite from my “teaching you to not be so fucking miserable” voice of TFID. Maybe it was. I don’t know. All that matters is that now they are not separate. They have been joined. They are two that have become one. And I now spend my social media energy and time on instagram trying to perfect this union with varying degrees of success.

So I would just like to take a moment to revel in the mysteries of the universe, to honor the deep jankiness I started from, and to be amazed that now I get to have a book deal writing a funny book about pseudo-eating disorders.