Over the past few years, I have had a few spells of being quite thin. Which was my ultimate goal, lame as that is.
But whenever I was thin, I never felt it, and it was never good enough. Even though all times in between when I wasn’t as thin, I dreamt of the wonder the world would be when I was finally thin again. And then I would become thin again, and I didn’t soak it in. I literally didn’t feel it- even though I can look back at picture now and think “WHAT!? WHY DIDN’T THIS REGISTER?!”
And actually, the most recent time, even though I knew logically that I was thin, I would have at least one time a day where I worried I was fat. And I even said to my best friend “I think I have that body dysmorphic disorder they talk about. I go from thinking I am fine, to thinking I am fat in 20 minutes flat!”.
I felt the exact same amount of discontent when I was thin- that I felt when I wasn’t. And I had read about the psychology of this over and over again in different books, and I had identified it as a true phenomenon for me, but somehow- it didn’t teach me.
This hit me like a ton of bricks a few months ago:
If I can’t feel good enough now, in this body, (whatever the size and situation), I never will.
It isn’t the size that dictates how I feel. It is how I feel that dictates how I feel.
Exercise: Write for 15 minutes answering the following 2 questions: