There was a long time where I believed that my inability to have (robotic) control over food was my biggest weakness. I filed it away as an indisputable fact that: Me + Food = Failure. It didn’t help that my mother also firmly believed this as well about me, and constantly implored me to overcome my addiction to food. For the sake of my health. And weight.

Worry over my “food weakness” and “addiction” then led to action: a continuous attempted (and sometimes successful) robot-like relationship with food. Until it backfired, of course. But, to my detriment, I was actually very “good” and robotic for months on end. I treated myself and food like a math equation, and reveled in the success of doing something ‘perfectly’. I was very good at eating the food in the “Allowed” column, and shunning, fearing and preaching against the food in the “Avoid” column.

Let’s not forget that this created the girl who eventually needed to give herself (a few) orthorexia interventions and eventually start a site devoted to helping people avoid and overcome orthorexia and diet mentality. Because, in the end, that life of feeling extremely in control with food, and then subsequently extremely out of control with food, was miserable. It wasn’t really living at all.

A recovery journey like this is a long one- and I couldn’t say that I am finished. And now the arguably harder journey has become accepting a body that doesn’t fit into my previous idea of “acceptable”. But as far as food goes, I know without a doubt that de-villainizing food is essential for a whole, nourishing existence.

Eating food is not a weakness. And you do not have a food addiction that needs to be conquered. That mentality will only push you further and further into a relationship that does not serve you.

If you feel like you ‘can’t get enough of food’ it is for the following reasons. You either:

1. Really aren’t getting enough food, still.

2. Never got enough food, and so now your body is going to make sure it does and-then-some, until it can trust that it will be fed

3. Or both.

 

Once you feed yourself with trust for the purpose of nourishment and make a commitment to accept yourself during the process- the other reasons for emotional eating will be easier to identify with and cope with. Once you are living in a nourished body and can be counted on to feed yourself plentifully and wholesomely, the rest is a lot easier to bear.

If you have always felt like food is your weakness, believe me when I say it is not the food. It is your relationship with the food. The fear of it only perpetuates the dysfunction.

Food can end up being your strength. And it can be a nourishing cornerstone in your life and your emotional health.

In just this past week I have moved apartments- and started a brand new job (in a brand new field). It has been…. crazy! To say the least!

However, throughout all the craziness, I have made sure to commit even more fully to EATING, and eating well.

Because this life transition has nearly wiped out all of my funds, I am also trying to eat the most food and calories (and nutrients) for the smallest amount of money. And this switch has allowed for a dynamic mental shift as well. I have already written about the importance of switching to a mental place of nourishing instead of a place of restricting when feeding yourself. So my initial mental work was already in place, but this week, with little food around and little money to buy my usual fussy, organic, and very expensive groceries- I have been left with a  very simple task:

To Feed Myself and to Nourish Myself.

A few things have been going on in the past weeks that have influenced my current state:

1) My body is becoming calmer, faster and more efficient. I have been committed to my badass eating for the past 7 + months, and I believe my metabolism is being repaired little by little. Meal by meal and day by day. In fact, I don’t need to eat a bedtime snack half of the time now, and instead a meal or snack from 2 or 3 hours before will be enough to let me fall asleep. Before, that was truly impossible.

2) The other factor, is that moving and starting a new job have kept me incredibly busy, nervous and excited, which has lead to longer than normal breaks between eating. For instance, I haven’t been thinking about food between lunch and dinner to that extent that I normally would. Of course, this nervous energy will pass and I won’t be this wired and excited once I settle in. But I think this has only worked in conjunction with my repairing metabolism. Also, in the past, I would have tried to leverage this into a good ol’ time of restriction: “Yesssss, I am not as hungry! I am distracted! AWESOME , MAYBLE I WILL LOSE WEIGHT AND FIT INTO A REGULAR SIZED BRA NOW”.

But this time, instead, every time I truly get hungry, (which was probably about 4 or 5 times a day) I will stop and EAT. I will eat to nourish. Not an ounce of restrictive mentality. Only nourishment. Calories and nutrients. But mostly calories.

Perfect stopping point? Don’t even care. I just stop when I don’t want to eat anymore.

And this is where the third part came into play:

3) Because these days I don’t have a lot of money for food (maybe I actually have a closer to normal amount now…. who knows, I spent a frighteningly large amount of money on food. It was probably part of my sickness…), in order to not feel any sort of lack or deprivation, I am focusing on adding and getting nourishment and calories. Potatoes. Butter. Cheese. Sourdough. Eggs. Full Fat Yogurt. Cream. Beans. Olive Oil. Quinoa. Obviously I still believe in meat, fruit and…. well, everything, but I am trying to focus on foods that are affordable, no-nonsense, dense and nourishing. And this has led to the complete opposite way of thinking about food compared to my mentality from my disordered days.

For instance, my expensive “thin cakes”, which are very thin rice cakes made into a sort of cracker, are a waste of money and precious eating time. I originally started buying them because they were light and I could eat a lot without filling up. I kept buying them because it became a habit and I sort of like them. Not any more. They are not enough calorie per dollar. Their addition to my diet was mostly just because of a restrictive mentality. I may end up buying them again, as they are right for some things, but for my purposes now… nah.

Now, it is all about eating. And eating enough and a lot. The guilt that I may have had in the past from a large meal is completely gone. It is a new era, and I trust every bit of food my body wants to eat, no matter how much, and no matter what. But this didn’t come without time amd commitment, and the journey has probably much further to go.

Another strange thing that has happened because of this is that it almost becomes “hard” to get enough. Because mentally I am not deprived and craving the act of overeating, so I don’t overeat or fixate on food. But then when I actually am hungry and eat: I need to EAT.

And even though my goal is not to focus or worry about weight (having success in that area as well), for those of yoyu who are interested, I have lost a little bit of weight by focusing on EATING. There has not been one time that I have left myself even the slightest bit hungry after any meal or snack in the past few weeks. And I have lost weight.

Also, as a side note… I got a hormone blood panel done, and my hormones are more balanced than they were. I think it is partly thanks to taking progesterone. But also…. I cannot pretend its not also partly because of no holds barred EATING.

BAD. ASS. EATING.

So if you are stuck in diet mode… keep commit to FUCK IT.

The other night I was having dinner with some old friends I hadn’t seen in a while, and my one friend was eating a lot of butter on his bread. My other friend was making fun of him, and I said:

“Well! Butter is good for you!”.

She looked at me and said incredulously: “No its not! Are you serious?“, like I had just started praising Hitler.

“Yes I am actually”.

Now- these days, especially since getting over my diet dogma for the millionth time, I don’t like to preach, and I feared it going in that direction. I wasn’t going to go into a diatribe then and there about why she shouldn’t worry about eating calories or gaining weight. (This was a fellow actress, and knew it wouldn’t be a short convo, also it wasn’t the time or place). I was getting flustered because everyone is so opinionated on these subjects, and I wanted to say what I believed without rubbing anyone too much the wrong way.

So I went the simpler, but still conventionally controversial Butter Is Healthy route.

She said: “It is not good for you!”

I said: “I actually think its one of the healthiest fats….”

She said: “Why?”

My brain was failing me. Why do I think its healthy again?? I can’t talk about saturated fat…. that’ll take all night to explain. Plus I forget the facts.

I said: “Ummm because its one of the most natural fats, besides …..avocados, whats easier and more natural fat to obtain and eat than dairy fat?”

She said: “Ok… but it will still make you gain weight”.

I said: “Oh sure, anything can. But that doesn’t mean its necessarily unhealthy”.

Surprisingly she listened and sort of agreed. Even though she is “on her way to becoming vegan”, which again, I didn’t comment on. Nobody likes a smug ex-dieter. She already knows I was vegan and it “didn’t work for me”. What more can I say until she wants to hear it?

Then we talked about if we were to eat animal products, we would want them to be as humanely, naturally and sustainably produced. All things I ardently agree with. EXCEPT, my specific problems are so much more on the obsession side that I often choose to “not care” in order to liberate my mind.

Calories Are Not Unhealthy

My friend’s assumption was that because butter has calories, and therefore makes you gain weight (debatable in and of itself): it is therefore unhealthy.

That is a false assumption!

Butter is not unhealthy because it has calories. Butter is nutritious and one of the most nourishing and anti-inflammatory fats you can eat.

I didn’t mean to get into villainizing other fats in this post, that is never my core intention. But this conversation with my friend just highlighted again the way people think about food and calories.

Calories are so frightening to people, that even nutritious foods get labeled “unhealthy” for being concentrated calories. I can still be that way with sugar, but I have come a LONNNNGGGG way. LONG WAY.

so FUCK IT!