After I became weight stable I ate and ate and ate and didn’t gain a pound. I was amazed at the weight regulatory mechanism once I actually healed my metabolism from the diet/binge cycle.

Recently, I gained some weight.

I can still wear my clothes, but some are snug. And it’s enough that people have stopped saying, “Woa you look soooo tiny! What are you doing these days and how can I do it!!?” To which my awkward response was, “Uh, actually I … am an anti-diet writer and I believe in letting your body eat whatever it wants and that will heal your”- at which point they stopped listening or believing me.

It was a weird place to be in, thinner than I almost ever was, but being a body positive, anti-diet, Health at Every Size and fat activist. I felt uncomfortable with it. Half loving that my strange genetic metabolic composition allowed me to be a sneaky voice for the cause, and also half insecure that my fatter followers (fat is not a bad word!) would stop listening because some probably felt I couldn’t possibly understand the prejudice they faced on a daily basis.

So you know why I gained weight?

I think it was a combination of two things: giving up caffeine and getting over a heartbreak.

Giving up caffeine.

Actually, I had a cup of half-caff coffee this morning because I went to an awards show last night and had more alcohol and less sleep than anyone should ever have. But now even just a bit of caffeine makes me feel a little crazy. And most days I drink a decaf.

BIG CHANGE.

After 6 years of true caffeine devotion, mornings that went by in a buzzy haze, and having “coffee” consistently on my little gratitude lists of “my favorite things in life”, I decided Okayyyyyy, Fine. I will do what I never thought I would do …I am ready to give up the mania. (Plus my acupuncturist told me my energy felt nuts almost every time I went in, and I intuitively knew what that meant for me: caffeine. Blah!)

The process of giving it up actually really sucked. So I am not saying “You must give up caffeine”! I only did it because it felt right —even though it also felt horrible. I had tried giving it up a few years back when I went on the Fuck It Diet originally, but ultimately decided I was dealing with too much change and misery already, so I decided to add it back in.

But this time I actually did it (except for today of course but that is because rules are made to be broken!!!). I decided, Hey, I’m just ready to feel calmer. I’m gonna commit to being lethargic and slow and boring if need be. And so I was tired and unmotivated and not quite right for a few months.

And, I gained weight.

I gained weight because I essentially gave up a drug. I gained weight by doing something that made me a bit calmer and healthier.

Heartbreak.

Last year around this time my heart BaROKE. Like, never have I ever experienced the emotional, spiritual, physical ramifications of true inexplicable, soul heartbreak. And when it happened I lost some weight. And I didn’t really put it together until now, but that was the catalyst for my tinier year. That was when I got really small no matter what I ate and people started commenting.

And it took a really long time. And slowly but surely the heartbreak healed. And it took almost year. And right around that time that I quit caffeine, I started feeling healed and back to normal.

And voila, my weight is probably back to where it was before the heartbreak.

You see what this means, right?

Skinny isn’t necessarily healthy or happy. And for me, it was actually two unhealthy, taxing states that my body was experiencing that correlated with the lower weight. The world assumed I was at my healthiest in a time of true internal imbalance.

Low weight is actually often a sign of sickness, misery, and feebleness. Not always, of course, but our societal glorification of it is really skewed.

Healing my emotional self and supporting my physical self are the things that added back on weight, which means that for me (and you) weight is a sign of health, happiness, and healing.

But I know for a fact that if I had not committed to this journey a few years back, this weight gain would have been met with fear, insecurity, worry, dieting, fixation, mumus, and running that I didn’t want to do. It would have just continued that pointless gain/repent cycle.

Instead, I have the chance to gain weight and practice what I preach. To embrace it. To trust that nothing is wrong. To listen even closer to what my body and intuition are saying. And to continue to use my body as a way to enjoy this life, and use it as an instrument to get messages like this one out.

Be a Body Rebel. Take Up Space. Fuck It.

WHY is The Fuck It Diet different than other mindful eating or intuitive eating programs?

WHY did I try to heal myself with intuitive eating for 6 YEARS, and fail, but then The Fuck It Diet worked?

Weight.

Meaning, every other time I tried to “heal my eating”, I was still trying to control my weight, even if I wasn’t aware of it.

Mainstream intuitive eating doesn’t deliberately take the focus off of weight.

Sometime weight is explicit (“eat what you want and stay fit!”) and sometimes not (“Just listen to your body, don’t diet!”) but the underlying goal for most people intuitive eating is an alternative way to become or stay skinny.

And all those attempts, I still hoped that if I really listened to my body, that I wouldn’t eat much and I’d become my thin version of myself. That was what I still really wanted.

Not healing. Not unconditional self-love. Not rebellion and revolution and happiness and genuine empowerment.

But TININESS. CONTROL. BEAUTY. APPROVAL. FITTING IN.

And that doesn’t really work. Tininess, control, beauty, approval, fitting in… that’s not happiness. That’s not health. That’s not vibrant joy.

Michelle Lowbridge, an amazing Kinesiologist whose cool program I am in, says that the energetic place we want to get to is Radiating Brilliance. And I’ll tell you, controlling your eating so you eat a tiny amount so you can be tiny and fit into this society’s warped expectation of women is NOT Radiating Brilliance.

So what was the difference when I decided to go on The Fuck It Diet?

Fuck It. I am not going to try to control my weight anymore.

No. I really mean it. I know part of me thinks that by doing this I WILL eventually lose weight, but fuck that too. Fuck my trying to be this perfect little beautiful thing that can dissappear into the abyss of my fantasy of perfection. FUCK IT.

I just finally knew that my attempt to control my weight was the thing making me miserable. I knew it. Finally.

I realized that I had beliefs about weight that were completely learned. Completely untrue. Completely unhelpful and were making my life miserable.

And I knew that the only option for normalcy, was to let go of weight control, and see what happened.

I had the feeling that if I could do that, then finally things would normalize. Finally I wouldn’t have to think about eating at all. I wouldn’t have to think about my body because I’d accept it no matter what, even if it was hard. Even if it was challenging. Even if I doubted it.

And it worked.

And that is the difference between Intuitive Eating and The Fuck It Diet.

This is Lucy’ story, she is a member of my 6 Month Life Recovery Program and has suffered from anorexia. She shared this story in the Group and gave me permission to cobble it into a post for you guys.

She followed Minnimaud guidelines, which is like the Fuck It Diet for severe restrictive eating disorders. If talk of calorie minimums is confusing, it’s just because Minnimaud focuses on having calorie minimums (NOT maximums). It is the same concept as The Fuck It Diet, just with more structure in the beginning to make sure you’re actually doing it and eating enough. The ultimate goal is always food ease and food freedom.

 

Enjoy!

 

I’ve had an awesome shift the past week or so. Suddenly I am not caring about food- but most importantly not thinking about food rules or anything food or body-related.

This is such a weird feeling after so many years of thinking about and controlling what goes into my mouth!

I am not trying to change myself through food or fitness anymore and this means I am just living life without the drain of food/body preoccupation. It is really hard to explain but it’s the coolest thing ever! It’s like I am still me and I am still living my life and having cool experiences but now there is no layer of body/food thoughts to drag me down anymore. It’s just me doing my thing. I feel free and content and there is a total absence of anxiety.

I recently bought a load more clothes for my larger body and I am completely happy with how I look, now, or if I gain more weight in the future. None of it matters because what I look like doesn’t have a bearing on my happiness. It just isn’t an issue anymore. And it is SO WEIRD that I feel like this after hating myself for so many years when I was a lot slimmer!

This is how I did the food part:

I made myself have 2500 calories as my minimum and made myself have no upper limit. I made a pact with my other half to never go below the minimum however much I ate the day before.

Being accountable to my bf really really helped me get through the tough times. In the early stages I think it is paramount to make yourself eat 2500. I completely endorse the minnimaud guidelines. I would have cheated and restricted if I didn’t have my bf there pushing me to go for it.

It’s funny because after counting minimums for a while I got sick of counting calories, because when you are eating enough it doesn’t really matter what the final number is. So basically, I think counting minimums is good so you have enough nourishment, but I think once you are committed to saying fuck it, then just go for it, stop the counting, and allow every craving you have. Your body will sort itself out and your mind can be free.

I also found that when I let go of controlling my food and knuckled down to the minimum intake I found I generally always went way over anyway because my body was like ‘yayyyyy foooood finally!’

I worked on my mindset and challenged all the restrictive beliefs on a daily basis.

I went through periods of feeling extremely depressed and thinking I had binge eating disorder.

I have had many days where I ate so much I felt sick, but I still let myself eat whenever I fancied something.

For months I have been eating cereal, cakes, flapjacks, everything I have ever restricted. Any time I find myself fearing a food I decide to conquer that fear and eat it. After a month or so of calorie counting I got bored and realised I don’t need to calorie count anymore and I decided to say fuck it and eat anything I wanted at anytime. No rules whatsoever.

The biggest change is when your mindset can allow all the food without guilt. I found my brain making me feel soooooo bad for sticking to the minimums but after a while I realised that it’s all nourishment and the only way to change your restrictive mindset is to eat and eat and deal with the feelings as they come up. The scariest thing is letting go.

I promise that all your fears will not happen. You will not get humongous. You will not get addicted to food. You have to eat an awful lot of food to heal both your mind and body.

The mind stuff I have been working on for about 2 years. I read and re read youreatopia and Caroline’s blog.

I made a tumblr account and signed up to body positive blogs and watched plus size fashion websites and followed Ashley Graham as much as possible to reframe what I thought beauty was.

I journal constantly and work out what my problems and issues are and what’s beneath the restrictive thoughts.

I cried to my bf and my sister and my mum an awful lot.

I stamped my feet and got angry.

I let myself feel my feelings (which I didn’t do before).

I stopped trying to be perfect (still working on that one).

I became completely honest with my loved ones and was more vulnerable than I have ever been. And I worked out what my life would be like without an eating disorder and made steps to be more social and say yes to every social event.

I think the biggest thing is the realisation that I do not need to control my body. It controls itself perfectly without my brain getting in the way. I also completely believe that health and wellbeing is about my social connections in this world and trying to control my food and weight gives my life no purpose or meaning whatsoever. Controlling food has given me no benefits and only made me more crazy. I never had to punish myself in the first place.

My mind made me think I had to restrict to be pretty or healthy and that is complete rubbish. I now feel pretty 3 sizes larger than I was, and my mind and body are so much healthier. But it is bloody hard to battle the negative thoughts. Take each day as it comes and always have faith in saying fuck it.

I want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Embrace the process. Let go of the control. Life is so much better without it.