It has been a while since my last post. And while I intend to write more often than this, hopefully once a week, I think I needed time to let everything I was preaching, and trying to practice, sink in for myself before I started writing again.

Looking Back:

I started this whole Fuck It journey last January. It was my 24th birthday, I had been Paleo/part-GAPS for 4 months (that is ALL the time I did it for, feels like longer because it was an extension of a decade of disordered and dogmatic dieting), and I felt crazier than ever with food. I had just binged on disgusting squash pancakes for my birthday breakfast, and had a whole counter full of dry almond flour cupcakes with no icing that nobody  wanted to eat, not even me, (even though I had eaten 6 already and would finish them all before the day was over). Because, It was my birthday, damn it! Yum! I couldn’t feel my hunger anymore, I wasn’t getting healthier, all I did was crave food, and I was starting to gain weight again.

And it just hit me like a ton of bricks: “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!?!?…. AGAIN!?!?”.

So I began reading and eating. I began reading Matt Stone and re-reading Geneen Roth, and I began eating everything (slowly, I was very scared). (Both of them are not FULLY anti-diet to me, which is why I write about this, but they were a part of my journey).

I began writing about it on here in May, and have been consistently practicing it all until now.

So?

I am happy to report that my fear of any specific food has pretty much vanished. My weight has been pretty consistent no matter how much I eat, and my health has improved since adding any and all amounts of macronutrients. So naturally, over time, my fears of having too much or too little of this and that, have dwindled. And thank God.

I still observe and believe in lots of “real food” principles: probiotics, saturated fat, try to avoid crap food and fake ingredients and industrial seed oils, but my view now is that they are simply guidelines. And my relationship to those guidelines is healthy and easy -instead of stressed and dogmatic.

So for almost a year I have been doing this, and it has been working. I wouldn’t go back for the world. And I still believe in every single “In Defense Of…” post that I wrote- and every other thing I wrote on here about trusting, and listening, and not exercising too much, and on and on. And I would urge anyone to face their food demons and try to do the same thing I did, which is why I write about all of this in the first place.

What About Body Image?

Well, that remains the trickier part. I think I have gotten better. I have definitely become more accepting. My stable weight is still 10 lbs over what I would have previously considered “slim” and “MAX WEIGHT ALLOWED” . I even caved in and ordered a new, 32-G-sized Bra seeing as nothing was shrinking or changing. And I have come to accept that it is “fine”. Life has gone on. I have had boys take me on dates. I have bought new clothes from Old Navy that are fun and nice, and not even always worrying about what is the most “flattering”, (which was always incredibly important before). And everything has been fine. Nobody has died. I haven’t died. Nobody has de-friended me, or wrinkled their nose in disgust at my humungous chest and my untoned arms.

It has been fine. Liberating, even.

This is all partly due to taking my break from theater. Nobody at the office cares how much I weigh. But it is also partly due to waking up, taking some responsibility for my happiness, realizing that I can choose to be stuck and miserable and needing to be whatever version of me I deem acceptable, or instead just accept whatever version of me there is at the moment. It is clear which one is actually more joyful.

But Then…

A few weeks ago I tried on a beautiful, embroidered, cap sleeve, peplum shirt. I fell in LOVE with it on the hanger, it was structured enough that I figured it would look ok on me, and thought “this will be GREAT for my Thanksgiving High School Reunion party thing!” I had an open mind, I didn’t need to be skinny. I didn’t think I was skinny anyway. I walked into the dressing room, tried it on and…..

UGH.

I looked awful. Really bad. Sorta bummed out the rest of my day.

So what did I do? I thought, calmy and rationally, “Well, I AM eating nearly a pint of ice cream every day or two. Maybe I am unnecessarily eating more than I need? Maybe I could become a teeny tiny bit slimmer, and more comfortable in beautiful clothing, in an easy healthy way, if I starting doing more actual intuitive and… slow eating. I should re-read French Women Don’t Get Fat.”

I had gotten to a point where I was just EATING to prove that EATING wasn’t going to ruin my life, and proving that I could eat without fear consistently. And I could! I just apparently couldn’t then look in the dressing room mirror without getting bummed out.

So I reread French Women Don’t Get Fat, because I loved that book when I read it a few years ago. It is not about dieting, it is not about weighing yourself, and it is not about villainizing food. It is not about anything other than looking at Food as Pleasure, and eating and revering it accordingly, with a sensible, long-term approach to “weight management” (I hate that term. What is a better term?). Logically, if I were to merge Matt Stone’s “Eat the Food” and Mireille Guiliano’s “Eat for Pleasure”- they both are probably quite good for the soul and for the metabolism. I read the book with all the new, sensible things I now believe about food and eating…. and it reminded me of a few food “reverence” tactics I had forgotten.

But I don’t want to talk about that right now. This is what I want to talk about:

Where do we draw the line between caring too much and caring enough, where body image is concerned? Where are we supposed to fall between wanting to look “amazing”, and accepting ourselves as we are?

It is hard. Because principally I am a supporter of Health at Every Size. I really am! I think that we should love and accept ourselves and each other unconditionally, and look for the beauty in all of our “imperfections”. I think we should be aware that all images that we are bombarded with by the media are extreme, and accept ourselves in all shapes and sizes and colors instead.

So, why am I still wanting to refine my eating habits, and look slimmer? And is that ok?

I haven’t written for a while because I was so sure about Food Fear being a problem. I knew it, and I knew how to explain to others why it doesn’t work. It was clear to me.

I was waiting for a similar clarity on Body Image, and I don’t have it yet.

So, instead it is going to be a learning journey. And I want your feedback. Because we can learn from each other.

I will write what I learn as I go- and I hope you do the same 🙂

But still…. Fuck It!

There was a long time where I believed that my inability to have (robotic) control over food was my biggest weakness. I filed it away as an indisputable fact that: Me + Food = Failure. It didn’t help that my mother also firmly believed this as well about me, and constantly implored me to overcome my addiction to food. For the sake of my health. And weight.

Worry over my “food weakness” and “addiction” then led to action: a continuous attempted (and sometimes successful) robot-like relationship with food. Until it backfired, of course. But, to my detriment, I was actually very “good” and robotic for months on end. I treated myself and food like a math equation, and reveled in the success of doing something ‘perfectly’. I was very good at eating the food in the “Allowed” column, and shunning, fearing and preaching against the food in the “Avoid” column.

Let’s not forget that this created the girl who eventually needed to give herself (a few) orthorexia interventions and eventually start a site devoted to helping people avoid and overcome orthorexia and diet mentality. Because, in the end, that life of feeling extremely in control with food, and then subsequently extremely out of control with food, was miserable. It wasn’t really living at all.

A recovery journey like this is a long one- and I couldn’t say that I am finished. And now the arguably harder journey has become accepting a body that doesn’t fit into my previous idea of “acceptable”. But as far as food goes, I know without a doubt that de-villainizing food is essential for a whole, nourishing existence.

Eating food is not a weakness. And you do not have a food addiction that needs to be conquered. That mentality will only push you further and further into a relationship that does not serve you.

If you feel like you ‘can’t get enough of food’ it is for the following reasons. You either:

1. Really aren’t getting enough food, still.

2. Never got enough food, and so now your body is going to make sure it does and-then-some, until it can trust that it will be fed

3. Or both.

 

Once you feed yourself with trust for the purpose of nourishment and make a commitment to accept yourself during the process- the other reasons for emotional eating will be easier to identify with and cope with. Once you are living in a nourished body and can be counted on to feed yourself plentifully and wholesomely, the rest is a lot easier to bear.

If you have always felt like food is your weakness, believe me when I say it is not the food. It is your relationship with the food. The fear of it only perpetuates the dysfunction.

Food can end up being your strength. And it can be a nourishing cornerstone in your life and your emotional health.

In just this past week I have moved apartments- and started a brand new job (in a brand new field). It has been…. crazy! To say the least!

However, throughout all the craziness, I have made sure to commit even more fully to EATING, and eating well.

Because this life transition has nearly wiped out all of my funds, I am also trying to eat the most food and calories (and nutrients) for the smallest amount of money. And this switch has allowed for a dynamic mental shift as well. I have already written about the importance of switching to a mental place of nourishing instead of a place of restricting when feeding yourself. So my initial mental work was already in place, but this week, with little food around and little money to buy my usual fussy, organic, and very expensive groceries- I have been left with a  very simple task:

To Feed Myself and to Nourish Myself.

A few things have been going on in the past weeks that have influenced my current state:

1) My body is becoming calmer, faster and more efficient. I have been committed to my badass eating for the past 7 + months, and I believe my metabolism is being repaired little by little. Meal by meal and day by day. In fact, I don’t need to eat a bedtime snack half of the time now, and instead a meal or snack from 2 or 3 hours before will be enough to let me fall asleep. Before, that was truly impossible.

2) The other factor, is that moving and starting a new job have kept me incredibly busy, nervous and excited, which has lead to longer than normal breaks between eating. For instance, I haven’t been thinking about food between lunch and dinner to that extent that I normally would. Of course, this nervous energy will pass and I won’t be this wired and excited once I settle in. But I think this has only worked in conjunction with my repairing metabolism. Also, in the past, I would have tried to leverage this into a good ol’ time of restriction: “Yesssss, I am not as hungry! I am distracted! AWESOME , MAYBLE I WILL LOSE WEIGHT AND FIT INTO A REGULAR SIZED BRA NOW”.

But this time, instead, every time I truly get hungry, (which was probably about 4 or 5 times a day) I will stop and EAT. I will eat to nourish. Not an ounce of restrictive mentality. Only nourishment. Calories and nutrients. But mostly calories.

Perfect stopping point? Don’t even care. I just stop when I don’t want to eat anymore.

And this is where the third part came into play:

3) Because these days I don’t have a lot of money for food (maybe I actually have a closer to normal amount now…. who knows, I spent a frighteningly large amount of money on food. It was probably part of my sickness…), in order to not feel any sort of lack or deprivation, I am focusing on adding and getting nourishment and calories. Potatoes. Butter. Cheese. Sourdough. Eggs. Full Fat Yogurt. Cream. Beans. Olive Oil. Quinoa. Obviously I still believe in meat, fruit and…. well, everything, but I am trying to focus on foods that are affordable, no-nonsense, dense and nourishing. And this has led to the complete opposite way of thinking about food compared to my mentality from my disordered days.

For instance, my expensive “thin cakes”, which are very thin rice cakes made into a sort of cracker, are a waste of money and precious eating time. I originally started buying them because they were light and I could eat a lot without filling up. I kept buying them because it became a habit and I sort of like them. Not any more. They are not enough calorie per dollar. Their addition to my diet was mostly just because of a restrictive mentality. I may end up buying them again, as they are right for some things, but for my purposes now… nah.

Now, it is all about eating. And eating enough and a lot. The guilt that I may have had in the past from a large meal is completely gone. It is a new era, and I trust every bit of food my body wants to eat, no matter how much, and no matter what. But this didn’t come without time amd commitment, and the journey has probably much further to go.

Another strange thing that has happened because of this is that it almost becomes “hard” to get enough. Because mentally I am not deprived and craving the act of overeating, so I don’t overeat or fixate on food. But then when I actually am hungry and eat: I need to EAT.

And even though my goal is not to focus or worry about weight (having success in that area as well), for those of yoyu who are interested, I have lost a little bit of weight by focusing on EATING. There has not been one time that I have left myself even the slightest bit hungry after any meal or snack in the past few weeks. And I have lost weight.

Also, as a side note… I got a hormone blood panel done, and my hormones are more balanced than they were. I think it is partly thanks to taking progesterone. But also…. I cannot pretend its not also partly because of no holds barred EATING.

BAD. ASS. EATING.

So if you are stuck in diet mode… keep commit to FUCK IT.