The other night I was having dinner with some old friends I hadn’t seen in a while, and my one friend was eating a lot of butter on his bread. My other friend was making fun of him, and I said:

“Well! Butter is good for you!”.

She looked at me and said incredulously: “No its not! Are you serious?“, like I had just started praising Hitler.

“Yes I am actually”.

Now- these days, especially since getting over my diet dogma for the millionth time, I don’t like to preach, and I feared it going in that direction. I wasn’t going to go into a diatribe then and there about why she shouldn’t worry about eating calories or gaining weight. (This was a fellow actress, and knew it wouldn’t be a short convo, also it wasn’t the time or place). I was getting flustered because everyone is so opinionated on these subjects, and I wanted to say what I believed without rubbing anyone too much the wrong way.

So I went the simpler, but still conventionally controversial Butter Is Healthy route.

She said: “It is not good for you!”

I said: “I actually think its one of the healthiest fats….”

She said: “Why?”

My brain was failing me. Why do I think its healthy again?? I can’t talk about saturated fat…. that’ll take all night to explain. Plus I forget the facts.

I said: “Ummm because its one of the most natural fats, besides …..avocados, whats easier and more natural fat to obtain and eat than dairy fat?”

She said: “Ok… but it will still make you gain weight”.

I said: “Oh sure, anything can. But that doesn’t mean its necessarily unhealthy”.

Surprisingly she listened and sort of agreed. Even though she is “on her way to becoming vegan”, which again, I didn’t comment on. Nobody likes a smug ex-dieter. She already knows I was vegan and it “didn’t work for me”. What more can I say until she wants to hear it?

Then we talked about if we were to eat animal products, we would want them to be as humanely, naturally and sustainably produced. All things I ardently agree with. EXCEPT, my specific problems are so much more on the obsession side that I often choose to “not care” in order to liberate my mind.

Calories Are Not Unhealthy

My friend’s assumption was that because butter has calories, and therefore makes you gain weight (debatable in and of itself): it is therefore unhealthy.

That is a false assumption!

Butter is not unhealthy because it has calories. Butter is nutritious and one of the most nourishing and anti-inflammatory fats you can eat.

I didn’t mean to get into villainizing other fats in this post, that is never my core intention. But this conversation with my friend just highlighted again the way people think about food and calories.

Calories are so frightening to people, that even nutritious foods get labeled “unhealthy” for being concentrated calories. I can still be that way with sugar, but I have come a LONNNNGGGG way. LONG WAY.

so FUCK IT!

The word “calorie” has a negative connotation.

In reality the word is very neutral, even positive.

Calories are how we have begun to measure the energy in food- which is a potentially harmless concept if it is seen as a positive thing. Calories are our sustenance and life force. It is the energy we consume in order to live and thrive. Not to mention one of our biggest biological pleasures.

But then, of course, somewhere along the way, calories suddenly became something we all were apparently getting too much of. Excess calories were bad. Hell, calories in general were bad. So we deprive, and count, and measure and worry and restrict and rebel and binge and worry more and count more and restrict more.

And then calories are your drug and you are convinced you are addicted to food and can’t listen to your hunger or stop with a normal portion.

Nah. You and sufficient Calories just had a falling out.

Calories are not a problem. Calories are essential- and lots of em. Not to say that consistent excess calories won’t make you gain weight. Or that sufficient calories in a compromised metabolism won’t make you gain weight. It can and it will. But that is not because Calories are bad. And it is not because Calories can’t be trusted.

• Calories can be trusted. Trust calories more than a disordered relationship with food and calories.
• Sufficient and even some excess calories speed up your system.
• Restricting calories leads to food fixation- as a starving body’s main goal is finding food.
• When trusted, the body will regulate it’s need for calories with your desire for them.

Instead of worrying… Fuck It.

Eat Calories.

Plenty.

I turned to Paleo thinking I was being intuitively led to my health and hormonal balance. I was already pretty steady intuitive-eating-wise, but Paleo sent me back into another obsessed frenzy, nearly a year ago.

Looking back now, I get frustrated and sad that I hadn’t learned my lesson from all my other diet fails in order to avoid Paleo diet mania.

But, I am going to also look at what Paleo did give me.

The one obvious positive, is that the Paleo diet taught me about the benefit and importance of saturated fats. And then, through failure, the importance of carbs and not dieting.

That one last push into insanity made me choose peace. One last diet/binge-induced weight gain made me finally accept the weight- and and start to take away my fears by making me face them head-on.

It led me straight into the crisis that had become my identity. And this one was so bad, and so low, that it led me to the book “The Artist’s Way” (which I recommend), which led me to writing every morning as a sort of meditation, which led me to my own underlying truths. And led me to start this site, and write, and connect with people. And to dare to consider acting without the worry and heaviness of perfectionism. Which, has forced me to trust life and live more fully. And to challenge myself.

Yep, I can’t help but think that is why my intuition led me to Paleo. Maybe I also needed some more probiotics (thank you GAPS….), or maybe I needed some more saturated fat. But mostly, I think I needed to fail so badly, (for hopefully the last time), that I chose a completely different way to live and eat. It was the beginning of a new and even scarier journey.

I trust what it taught me. And I am thankful for it.

Fuck It.