I tried to eat intuitively for 6 years.

I thought that my (slightly obsessive) intuitive healed me from my “food addiction”.

But I still spent my entire life thinking about my next meal, rating my hunger level, worried that I was doing it wrong and “eating too much”. And worst of all, my life was still one long weight loss attempt.

Intuitive eating had just become the new diet du jour.

Oh, but it wasn’t a diet, is what I told myself. It was ‘what Europeans did’, or whatever.

I am here to tell you, that kind of intuitive eating, is still a diet. It’s just a diet by a different name.

If you are still very concerned with keeping your weight controlled, or losing weight, you’re on a diet. Even if you “let yourself eat whatever you want”. If your mind constantly worries about gaining weight, you’re on a diet. If you are able to “mess up”, you’re on a diet. If you get stressed when you “eat too much”, you’re on a diet.

How to free yourself from this?

1. You need a deep desire to be free from this cycle. You have to really want it. You have to really want a life where weight and eating is not at top of mind every day. You have to be miserable enough to want a big change.
2. You have to choose to trust your body. You have to decide, radical as it may sound, that your body is your friend. That your body just wants food because you’ve sort of been trying to restrict it all along. You have to want to feed your body and trust that that is the only way to heal it and calm it down.
3. You have to commit to gaining weight. I don’t know how much weight your body wants to gain. I can’t give you a number. I can’t tell you if it is going to stay there or then slowly lose weight once your body and metabolism and appetite feel safe.
4. You have to let yourself eat a lot. For years you’ve been trying to eat the smallest amount possible. That’s how you got yourself into this mess. The only way the body can find balance after this low grade restriction, is to swing in the other direction. Let it happen.

You can join my self-study program, Fuckiteer Academy: The Rebel’s Survival Guide, to get guidance on how to deal with the mental and emotional side of this whole thing. See you on the other side!

“I’ve been suffering with binge eating disorder. I have always been conscious about my body, because I grew up in a family with weight issues, and my brother and friends would tease me for my large hips.

I gained 8 kilos in like 4-5 months and I started binge eating. I don’t know what to do anymore, I tried to lose that weight, but it was counter-effective because I restricted my diet too much and in fact, I gained more because of the binge eating episodes. My relationship with food nowadays is unhealthy and isolating, and I just want my life back.

I want to be free from diets and all those exhausting and useless habits.  

What do you suggest I do?” – Erica

You’re damn right the restricting was counter-effective.

Binge Eating Disorder is a reactive disorder. It never, ever starts with binge eating disorder.

You are bingeing (all of you out there, not just Erica) because of restriction.

If not actual physical restriction (forcing yourself to eat less than you are hungry for) then MENTAL restriction.

It is that simple.

Always.

So the answer, is to stop restricting. Once you stop restricting physically, you may find that mental restriction (guilt/rules/fears/insecurity) lingers. Do everything you can to become aware of, compassionate about, but fierce against your mental restriction.

That is the only reason we binge. Restriction.

And anyone worrying about emotional eating? Emotional eating is not the thing the Eating Disorders are made of. It’s restriction. (Should I repeat that a few more times? No?)

Binge Eating is not the problem, bingeing is just the symptom. The problem is trying to be thinner. The problem is hating ourselves. The problem is trying to control our food intake. The problem is the guilt over feeding ourselves, and having bodies. The problem is restriction

Take those factors away, and eating normalizes every. single. time.

Today, just for fun, I’m going to outline my own food journey, hopefully so you can see how freaking long it took. 

You probably shouldn’t compare your journey to my journey. That’s just a general rule of happiness.

(Also, I have often hesitated to mention my age for fear that people wouldn’t listen to me. But to take my own advice: Fuck it.)

Ages 1-13 – Childhood binge eater. My top goal of every day and every event was to get snacks and eat as much as I could before the authorities noticed.

14-18 – Puberty/Diagnosed with PCOS. Major dieting. Low Carb. Body dysmorphia, exercise bulimic, very restrictive, extreme cycles between dieting and bingeing.

18– Read Intuitive Eating, realized I was totally disordered. Told my mom I was going to try to eat normally. She told me she had cancer. We both became vegetarian the next day.

Became raw vegan a week after that. Binged on dates (the fruit), and agave, and coconut oil and raw cacao every night. Spent $82903929039329039 dollars on raw vegan treats that made me poop a lot. Skin was horrible so I decided to cut out all sugar for a while (while being raw vegan). Skin still horrible so I decided to only eat fruit for 3 months. Brought Fruit Salad to Christmas dinner and proudly sat there eating it while everyone else tried to be polite.

19- Decided I needed to stop being raw vegan and learn to eat normally again – planned on exercising a lot during the transition. Started eating lots of Whole Foods vegan cupcakes. Sprained ankle when my brother double bounced me on my little cousin’s trampoline. Gained lots of weight. Watched every season of Sex and the City while I rested my ankle. Major body hate. Never went to physical therapy because I was into The Secret at the time and thought I could “think my ankle better”. Didn’t work. Muscles atrophied and I pinched my sciatic nerve.

No bras fit that year. I spent the year in GAP Body Sport Bras.

20-22 – Tried pseudo intuitive eating. Became obsessed with eating like a french woman. Ate lots of yogurt. Wore lots of scarves. Obsessed with being thin. Thin was the ultimate goal. Thought I was healed and normal with food. Ha.

Drank lots of wine.

23- Became paleo but promised myself I wouldn’t get obsessed. Got obsessed. Digestion got horrible. Tried to cut out all carbs/sugar. Then did the GAPS diet where I only ate bone broth for a while. Major orthorexic relapse. Had a mental breakdown when I went to my employer’s house for dinner and was afraid of the spices they used on the sweet potatoes.

Bingeing. Bingeing. Bingeing. Body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia

24 – January. Birthday epiphany. (I know, I was young). Fuck It. Realized that the reason that my intuitive eating before was always only pseudo, was because of my fear of gaining weight.

Decided to gain as much weight as my body would, decided to eat everything until it fixed my body and mind. Still afraid of Gluten.

24 – May. Read The Artist’s Way. Started The Fuck It Diet Website and Blog (hello!). Ate bread.

Quit performing “forever”. Got full time job as receptionist hoping I could enjoy normal life and happy hours and stuff. Gained more weight. Learning to eat normally. Kept affirming that I needed to take up space physically and otherwise.

25 – A year + into the Fuck It Diet, I randomly remembered EFT/Tapping and used it on my lingering Body Image Fears.

Unquit Performing.

26 – Feeling so good with body image stuff, not sure why. Realized it was the EFT… started sharing with my readers to use Energy Work on lingering blocks/triggers/mental restriction. Extremely normal with eating.

Gained some weight after a break up. Didn’t care. Major win.

Lost a LOT of weight after another break up. Didn’t realize why.

27- Gained weight again once I wasn’t sad anymore.

28– Trained in Energy Work because I realized how helpful it is for the mental and emotional part of this process, opened Fuckiteer Academy.

Now on my Two Years of Rest. The Fuck It Diet changed my life so much, that I am now going even further. I’m stepping out of the stress rat race. I am resting physically and emotionally.

I’m really into finding radical ways to not be so miserable, and sharing them with you.

Thanks for listening to my journey. I’m gonna go lie down….