I want to try and explain the difference between my eating before — and my eating now.

How do I now experience normal eating?

Before The Fuck It Diet, I was constantly hungry. Constantly wanting food. Constantly fearing food. Constantly berating myself for eating too much. Constantly thinking about my next snack or my next meal. I felt like it was so easy to ‘eat too much’. And whenever I ate the “right amount” I’d get hungry immediately after. Always hungry. Never satiated. Never doing it right. Always ruining things. And I was always just one wrong snack or extra bite away from ruining everything. I felt like that the ‘wrong’ food would immediate change and morph my body into something out of control and unrecognizable.

Now? I forget to eat. Really. It’s not that I don’t want to eat, or don’t think it’s important, it’s just that I know I will eat, and that I’ll eat as much as I want, so it lets me let it go and focus on other things until I realize: Oh woa, I’d better eat.

I have no eating schedule. I have no normal day. (Largely because I work for myself.) So every single day is different. Some days I’m not very hungry at all. Some days I’m absolutely ravenous. I follow whatever is happening. Sometimes the hunger makes sense, sometimes I can’t figure it out. I follow it anyway.

Some meals I’m barely hungry, some meals I could eat the equivalent of 4 meals. It’s different every single day. It’s different depending on how much I’ve moved or slept or where I am in my cycle and probably lots of other variables I am not aware of.

It’s never, ever the same. And it never will be.

I crave traditionally ‘healthy’ foods and decadent treats in equal amounts. I think it errs on the side of what would be considered ‘healthy’, but still varies from day to day, week to week, snack to snack.

Most days I think, “no, my body really doesn’t want a bagel.”

Some days it’s clear: “Oh yes, a bagel and cream cheese is just the thing.”

Some days I eat a bagel and can’t get through more than half. Some days I eat that bagel and cream cheese and could keep going, but generally don’t because that is unnecessary expenditure of $2.50 when I’m probably going to have lunch in 2 hours anyway.

I used to always be hungry. Always judging food. Always nervous about what ‘safe’ food would be available when I was out.

I used to always try to figure out my hunger level.

Am I hungry enough to be allowed to eat?

Am I still hungry enough to be allowed to keep eating?

(Why am I so hungry??????)

Now, when I get full, it’s sort of like a magnet repelling another magnet. It’s harder and harder to bring food to my mouth. It isn’t fun anymore. It doesn’t taste as good anymore. There is no pull.

Whereas, when I’m still hungry, it’s like a magnet attracting another magnet. It’s easy and natural to keep eating. Don’t you dare try to stop me!

It’s all is innate. Starting and stopping eating is innate. Hunger is innate. It’s not hard. It’s never perfect. It’s never the same. It’s easy. It’s delicious. And there is no guilt if I get full. It just is.

And there is no way to get to this place, until you let yourself eat everything, anytime, no guilt, no rules, no weight judgments, no amount judgments, no health judgments. This food ease and food neutrality, is the result of eating whatever you want, and trusting that your body has got your back.

This is a common theme with dieters.

“Oh, my body is too used to eating a lot, I’ve got to train it to eat less”.

It’s similar to the idea: If I can just find the right diet, my cravings will go away.

Except this is kind of like: If I can just eat small enough for a while, then I’ll train myself to eat a small amount always.

And this is the only sound logic behind it: If you eat a small enough amount for long enough, you will wreck your metabolism and you won’t be hungry. 

You’re right.

If you wreck your metabolism well enough, you’ll totally ruin your appetite.

You’ll also become lethargic, irritable, cold, and your body will slowly break down. Weeeeee!

But what will likely happen between now and your totally wrecked metabolism, is a LOT of hunger.

Your body knows what it’s doing. When you cut back on food, it will fight back.

“EAT!” (that’s what your body is saying)

It wants you to eat. That’s how it keeps you alive. That’s how it tries to give you the chance to speed back up your metabolism and get back to normal health.

So our idea that we can train ourselves to eat less is actually true. But if we want to get to a low metabolic state, we probably going to push past that phase when the body tries to get you to eat with binges, and you’ll have to develop anorexia. Most people can’t get there. Most people’s bodies fight back so hard that they end up in Binge-land for decades. This is a gift.

You are not supposed to train your body to eat a small amount of food. That’s an eating disorder.

And if you are bingeing I want you to understand that this is what is SUPPOSED to be happening when you restrict or try to eat less. That’s the sign of a healthy functioning body, fighting for your life. Your body needs you to eat everything. And then finally freaking trust it.

So many of my followers and clients will ask me:

“Ok but I really care about health and don’t want to become unhealthy. I have health issues too, so how can I just let go and let myself eat anything?”

I understand heath issues. I understand health stress. It was one of the big reasons I became crazy about food in the first place.

Cystic acne. Hypoglycemic fainting. Thyroid nodule filling up with fluid. Diabetes medicine (that burned an ulcer in my esophagus on my homestay in France) (no, I do not have diabetes), such extreme anemia that I needed a blood transfusion (didn’t get one. Became raw vegan instead), no period, hair falling out, excess hair, horrible sleep, being able to feel my liver when I have 3 sips of alcohol, restless legs, cystic ovaries…

Add on top of that, erratic weight because of bingeing and restricting for 10+ years, all in an attempt to heal my health, and become beautiful and perfect and safe.

I understand health issues.

And you know what? My issues were not all from dieting. In fact, I would say 95% of them weren’t from dieting at all.

Dieting is really bad for your health and metabolism and weight, but my health issues are more from an overload of chemicals and toxicity.

And I do not want to be a fear monger. I think an obsessive fear of toxins will ruin your life as quickly as the toxins themselves. We are living in a very toxic world, but that doesn’t mean we have to hide in our rooms drinking celery juice.

My family moved into a house with chlordane implanted into the floorboards (a now outlawed termite pesticide). Then we did construction, drilling into the foundation/chlordane. We all got sick. Hormonal stuff, my mom got lymphoma, I got anemia. I also had major dental surgeries for 5 years, lots of glue. Lots of chemicals. Lots of stress. Plus epstein barr and chronic fatigue. Etc Etc Etc.

Restricting and bingeing on top of all that certainly did not help. But eating, food, and weight was not the cause either.

My point is? I’m not going to sit here and tell you that all of your problems are caused by dieting. I am not going to tell you that not dieting will cure all your health problems.

What I will tell you, is that there is absolutely no way I was able to sanely seek any sort of real health while I was obsessed with what I put in my mouth. My desire to perfect my diet felt like it was going to be helpful, but it was completely destructive and soul sucking.

And no, The Fuck It Diet did not cure my health and hormones. It didn’t. It helped. It made me more clear headed. It made my weight stable and freed up my mind to create and learn and relax. But normal eating alone won’t heal everything. However, I believe it is the only way to lay a foundation for other health practices (whatever they may be for you – I am not a doctor).

One of the biggest mistakes was seeing my weight as an indicator of health, and thinking that controlling my weight was going to heal my health. Not. So.

I now see how much my weight is incredibly independent from health. The closest link is correlation or a symptom of other things, nothing more.

Four years after healing my eating, I was drawn to work with a very holistic doctor who specializes in Lymes and Parasites. (Two things I don’t think I have… yet 😉 )

She asked me if there was anything I wasn’t willing to do.

And I said “Go on a diet, because I’ve literally tried everything, and it made me crazy.” And she said, “Great. Ok”.

I said, “I mean if there is something general you need to tell me, I am willing to keep it in mind, but I am not willing to do anything extreme with diet unless it is proven that I need it.”

She didn’t give me any diet recommendations. I’m still eating what I crave, and seeking health, and, after years of desperation, totally unattached to a result. I mean it when I say it is helpful to let go of health perfectionism.

You can learn to eat normally, settle wherever your weight wants to be, and seek health in whatever way feels right to you right now. They are not mutually exclusive.

We are living in a toxic world, and food is the least of our worries.

Eat what you want. Trust that you will find whatever health practices support the life you want. And care about yourself and your happiness. That’s literally all you can do.