Stick with me on this one…
A few weeks ago I came to a big big life altering decision:
I need to let go of my painful desire to be Healthy.
And I need to be ok with the idea, and possibility, of never reaching my dream of ultimate health perfection.
It may seem like a harmful thing to do, after all, it is not too bad to want to be healthy… But when I realized how much of my own life drama and misery has been caused by my attachment to and fear of bad health, this decision started looking like the most liberating way to live.
Before now, I have only ever half-heartedly let myself eat intuitively. It was so ingrained in me that my body specifically wasn’t able to handle things like other people- that thinking I could ever be like someone else eating normally seemed like a fantasy. Add to that all the things I had ‘learned’ about food from diet-fear-mongers, my beliefs about my health were so limiting that there was only so good it could ever get (not very good).
I thought true normal eating was irresponsible. It was so afraid that if I made a wrong move or ate a wrong food I would never be healthy. And so much of my identity for the past 10 years (since I was a teenager) has been through the lens of 1) being unhealthy 2) being desperate to find the cure.
Well, my health problems are sort of abstract, so in a way that makes a “cure” even harder. They deal with hormonal balance which is an intricate and complicated process in the body. And I wanted to do it holistically. I really believed my body could heal. But I wanted it so badly. Too Badly.
Yet, symptom-wise it has been mostly just bad skin, amenorrhea, and recently some bad sleep. And then always…. weight fluctuations…. mostly because of erratic eating which messes with your metabolism.
It all just became clear to me. Since my “health problems” are really only… cosmetic and not all that life hindering…. and I have wasted sooooo much time and happiness trying to fix them…..what if I just let go? It is not like I got a diagnosis and never cared at all. I cared! I cared too much.
So maybe the next evolution in my self-care is just to… not care anymore.
During the past 4 months, I have been coming off paleo, gaining weight, dealing with deep-seated body issues, but all the while learning the reasons that sugarandfriends really weren’t going to ruin my life. While I was trying to let go of my deep-seated need to be thin, that was when I realized there was something even more debilitating that I needed to let go of. The health part.
And ironically, during this whole period where I was deciding not to care about health, I was going to a natural doctor for the first time in 5 years. Turns out I was resistant to doctors too, since they had proved so unhelpful before. He prescribed me natural progesterone because my levels were so low. And in the past I would have not done it, because it is “not letting my body heal on it’s own”. Fuck it. I’m doing it. I have tried a million and one things to naturally balance myself, and nada one thing has worked.
(Oh, one more thing during this whole past 4 months, I decided to take a break from Theatre. Yes, I
am was an actress. Compounded stressors, much? Yep. But, really, I don’t want that stress anymore, especially not right now. There are some life stressors you cannot avoid. And there are some life stressors… you can.
So, what if, I stopped being a frightened orthorexic food-nazi and fed my body amply, what if I was to be thankful for 2012 and this access to natural progesterone, and yet still Not Be Attached To The Outcome. Because if it doesn’t work: Eh.
If I always wear a size 6 pants: eh.
If I always have oily skin: eh.
If I need to take fertility drugs to have kids: eh.
If the polyunsaturated fats from my bi-weekly nachos at a restaurant “inflame my body’s tissues”: eh.
If I sleep poorly because of hormonal imbalance for the rest of my life (ok, I don’t particularly like this one….) but: eh.
Anybody have any similar experiences? Insight? Tales to tell? Am I alone in this drama drama? Talk to me!